Love Letters to the Dead (Emison)

Letter #1

Dear Ali,

It's Em. I think this is the first time I have even been able to write your name since your funeral. Today for our english project the teacher told us that we had to write to someone that had died. I know Hanna wrote to Coco Chanel and Aria wrote to Picasso and most other people wrote to celebrities. I tried to write one to all these different people but I couldn't. Because I didn't know them like I knew you. Our love life wasn't perfect and I can't pretend it was but I know it was real.

I want to say that cancer didn't ruin anything, that through your death we found a cure for cancer or that the whole world just stopped and paid you a moment of silence, but the truth it, it didn't. There was no grand moment where everyone acknowledged your death or cried, there was just me, a hospital and your dead body.

You were my first love Ali, and my last. And maybe one day I'll fall in love with another girl and maybe I'll get married but most likely I'll stay and mourn the loss of my first love. I loved you Ali and you left me. I had so many emotions that day. I loved you but I hated you for leaving me.

For a week after your death I didn't talk to anyone. Not my family, not our friends, no-one. No-one could understand what we felt for each other because no matter what anyone else says, our love was real Ali. As real as it gets. And I'm sorry if our love wasn't enough to keep you going to battle the cancer but at least it was there to help you through the most difficult times. The remnant of our love is all I have left Ali, without you here in my arms.

I think it's because our love story deserves to stay between us, I'm writing to you. Because no one deserves to know the things I'm about to tell you. No-one needs to know how I felt when I first saw you, or when I kissed you or how our love was. Because that kind of thing needs to stay between us.

I want to say that I completely forgive you for leaving me behind, crying my eyes out in Rosewood's hospital but I don't. I really want to forgive and forget. But all I remember is you telling me you loved me then the machine going flat. I thought our love was worth more. I thought I could keep you going. I gave up everything I ever had for you Ali, but you died on me like that. I don't forgive you for that and maybe deep down, that's the reason I'm writing. Because I need to forgive you. I know you can't reply but maybe somewhere in my heart I will be able to find the strength and goodwill to forgive you.

This was just an English project but now it is so much more. It's an opportunity for me to talk to my first and last love. An opportunity to tell you all the things I couldn't while you were here with me. I may not yet forgive you completely, but I know one thing Ali- I loved you. I still love you. Even though you are not here with me, I love you so much Ali. I hope you died knowing that.

~Emily

13/11/13