Love Letters to the Dead (Emison)

Letter #4

Dear Ali,

Samara asked me out today. It's the first time anyone has talked to me about something other than you since you died. I don't really know what to say to her. I am still very much in love with you Ali but then again, I don't know. I like Samara too I think. I appreciate that she doesn't look at me like your broken girlfriend and instead thinks of me as another person. I feel like if I do go out with Samara I am betraying you. Technically we never broke up so I don't know what we are. Then again, going out with Samara will definitely help me get over my loss. My shrink said that it will definitely be good for me. She also told me to keep writing to you and maybe you'll write back. I know you won't. You're dead. For a while after your death I prayed that it was all some mistake and that it was just September 1, 2009 all over again. But it's not. You were dead. You are dead. And even though I pray otherwise, you aren't ever coming back. Would you forgive me if I go out with Samara?

People looked at me weird after your death. People that I never even knew told me that they were sorry for my loss. It seemed, everyone knew of you but no-one really knew who I was other than your girlfriend. Everyone cast me glances of pity. Samara was the only one after your death who came up to me and asked me if I was alright. Not asking about you. She cared about me. She was the first.

Your death was the first of a downward spiral for me. I began crying at random times, I sometimes just disappeared for hours and forgot where I was. I could almost swear I sometimes saw you. But you always disappeared and left me. I began getting angry at everyone, yelling at everyone. Hanna, Spencer and Aria stayed by me. I realised then that I even owed these friendships to you. It seemed everything good in my life was because of you. My mum sent me to a shrink. I talked to her, sure. But she didn't understand anything. She thought I was just a lovesick teenager. You were so much more to me that some stupid romance. You were my soul mate, my friend, my first true love. I didn't want to share our love story with her because as I told you in my first letter, our love story deserves to stay between the two of us. I promise you that.

I remember we had plenty of fights. Fights that ended in me apologising. But it was only once where it was serious enough to cause us to break up. In retrospect, it was something we could've worked out. Paige had asked me out. It made me feel so good that someone had asked me out. It was a first for me. Of course, I had said no since I was dating you but it just made me feel so good to be appreciated for a different person rather than "Alison's girlfriend". Paige asking me out gave me the attention I craved. I had always felt like I was living in your shadow. I guess that's what you get for dating the queen bee. I was so happy that someone had asked me out I told you about Paige while we were on a date together. I think I must've sounded a bit too excited that day because you told me, "If you like Paige so much, why don't you go date her!" So we broke up for a while but I didn't date anyone. I hated Paige and I blamed her for our breakup. All the while, I should've blamed myself for falling for you. Now, I blame myself for getting back together with you. I love you too much Alison. Too much for you to be buried in your own grave and for me to be alone without your touch. I crave your body against mine Ali. I need you back.

I got you back on Graduation Day. You came back for me. You asked me out and it felt 100 times better than when Paige asked me out. Butterflies in my stomach is an understatement. When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I felt the butterflies explode. What you said next shocked me even more. "I'm sorry for being so insecure. I'm sorry for being such an attention-seeker". That was the day when you, Alison DiLaurentis, Queen Bee of Rosewood High, apologised to me: Emily Fields, a nobody. And I told you back instantly- no questions asked. I realised for the first time that you weren't the flawless queen bee that everyone knew, you were so insecure about yourself, being queen bee was just your façade to protect yourself. Attention-seeker. Sometimes I wonder if that's all you were. Maybe you wanted attention so damn much you got cancer. You wanted that attention and you got it when you died. Famous in life, and death. I thought about only you for the next day. I didn't eat or drink or sleep for a week. So Ali, you got your attention I guess. I hope you're happy.

Sorry, I'm meant to be working on forgiving you, that's the point of it all.

So while everyone else was happy that we were graduating from Rosewood High, I was happy that you had apologised and asked me out again. It boosted me with confidence that you wanted me back and it made me fall in love with you even more. That Ali, the one who said sorry and loved me back, was the vulnerable Alison DiLaurentis I grew to love. It's the one that died in front of my eyes. And it is that Alison DiLaurentis I am still in love with today.

~Emily

15/12/13

A/N: The feels when I write this fanfic are real. I seriously feel like the love that Em had/has for Ali is so much stronger in this one than all my other fanfic! Don't forget to vote/comment! #PLL today!