Love Letters to the Dead (Emison)

Letter #2

Dear Alison,

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when my love for you began. It was almost love at first sight, if there is such a thing.

When I first laid eyes on you was the first day of high school. I remember you walking down the school corridor like you owned the place when really, you were a junior like me. You turned heads that first day and I remember that all the boys wolf-whistling at you. None of that concerned you because as far as you were concerned, your only love interest was the bad-boy Noel Kahn.

You walked down the corridor and planted a kiss on Noel's lips. Jealousy is the first word that comes to mind when I picture that day. Anyone could see that you were queen bee and you were as straight as they come.

I often ask myself why I fell in love with you that day and to be honest, even to this day, it is still a mystery to me. You shoved all the unpopular out of your way and made bitchy comments to everyone but people still looked up to you. I remember that I dropped my books as you were walking passed with Noel Kahn but whereas you would usually kick them out of your way, you actually broke your kiss with Noel to help me pick up my books. That gesture made me fall in love with you. It made me believe. It let me see that underneath all that bitchy regal queen bee type, there was also a kind girl. And that was the girl I fell in love with. It's the girl I'm still in love with today. And I have my dropped Chemistry textbook to thank for that. It's weird thinking about the fact that if I hadn't dropped my books then none of this would've happened.

I was feeling jittery from that moment on whenever I saw you. I know this may sound weird but you made me sure of my sexuality. I was gay and you made it certain for me.

I remember thinking about being gay as I walked into English that day. You were in my class. "Miss Fields, please sit next to Miss DiLaurentis." I never knew before you that it was possible to love and hate something at the same time. I loved sitting beside you but I hated that it might've meant nothing to you.

I've never been one to pay attention in class, I really was more of a jock, but that one English lesson was different. I hung onto Mr Fitz's every word because I worried that if I allowed my eyes to waver then they might make contact with you. So yes, I remember that lesson so clearly. We were talking about Romeo and Juliet's fateful love. Maybe that was foreshadowing ours. Our doomed love. Sorry. My shrink told me not to think like that.

So we were discussing Romeo and Juliet's love life and how quick it had been. "Why do you think that their love story is renowned to be one of the most amazing love stories of all time?" Mr Fitz asked.

You answered, "Because it was reckless. Love has to be reckless. That's how you know it's real." Even Mr Fitz seemed taken aback. Noel was just confused.

You probably never meant those words for me. Or maybe you did. I could swear that you turned around and smiled at me. I never got the chance to ask you that. I wish I did. Too late now. I want to believe that you meant those words for me. Because those words were what made me go after you recklessly because I knew what I felt for you was real.

That day was great for another reason: you broke up with Noel Kahn. You were always the hottest couple at school, dating for 2 years. I want to believe that you broke up with him for me but it was probably because you knew you deserved better. I often ask myself: then why did you come to me?

It was a public breakup but no-one, not even Noel Kahn himself can tell me why you two broke up. But when I heard the news, I was the happiest girl alive. You were single and ready to mingle.

Heeding your advice, I decided to be reckless. That's why me, the loser jock of the school with one overweight friend by the name of Hanna Marin, asked out the most popular girl. In writing it sounds great. But really, it was the result of a lot of nervous pacing and sweaty palms on my part.

Reckless was definitely the way to go because you said yes. But you told me, "But can we keep it a secret?" So you became my secret girlfriend. I wanted it to be public but I was too scared that you would change your mind otherwise. Why did you say yes to me Ali? Why? You had everything you wanted at school- a popular jock boyfriend, friends, Aria and Spencer and above all you had a flawless reputation. My reputation was quite the opposite: I was friends with Hanna Marin who was bullied and there were plenty of rumors that I played for the other team. Maybe you just wanted a bit of fun at the start to ever say yes to me. Maybe you didn't want to seem like a hypocrite and ignore your own advice of living recklessly. I don't know why you said yes to me and I guess I never will know. Sometimes I think it's you fault for saying yes that you left me like this. Broken.

You should've said no to me. You should've told me that I was a "dyke" and told me to just "fuck off". Then I wouldn't have fell for you so bad. Maybe then I wouldn't be broken. Maybe then I would've had to see you die in my arms. It's a butterfly effect you see. Everything has a consequence. The consequence of our love was that you died and abandoned me. I hate you for that Ali.

~Emily

15/11/13

A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for reading my third PLL fanfic! Leave a comment below if u enjoyed!