Love Letters to the Dead (Emison)

Letter #6

Dear Ali,

Would you still have died if I told you not to let go? I ask myself that every day. I know that you probably don't want to hear it, but Samara and I have gone on heaps of dates. I think I... like her Ali. I'm sorry. I love you but I love Samara too. I'm sorry if it hurts you to hear that but I can't avoid the truth.

It's been a year since I last wrote to you. I just had to clear things up.

After the machine went flat I still stayed in your room until the doctor's dragged me away saying there was only a corpse left. I still remember what I whispered to you even though your heart was no longer beating.

"Alison Lauren DiLaurentis I love you and will continue to love you. You were my first high school love. I remember all these swim meets where I thought of you cheering at the other end of the pool and I swum harder and that's what pushed me forward. People ask me what makes me a good swimmer. You do. You make me a good person and you bring out the best in me. That's what true love should do. Ali I fucking hate whoever it is out there who tore you away from me but I swear to god I'll live for both of us. I love you Ali."

You never responded.

I saw many shrinks after your death. I didn't talk to anyone. Eventually I've settled on Dr. Sullivan because she was there during the time where we were stalked by A. She cannot even begin to comprehend how much you mean to me or will she ever really know our love story but she at least cares about me.

You left a massive hole in my heart- no, in my life. And no-one could replace that. Hanna, Aria and Spencer all tried to talk to me but I didn't want to hear it. I only wanted you. I was hospitalised for trying to kill myself with a razor. To me, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just wanted to see you again.

I wasn't angry at you for leaving. I was angry at myself for not being able to cope, I know that. I was nothing without you Alison. You were queen bee of Rosewood and you were queen bee of my heart. I couldn't cope without you and I was just angry- angry at you, angry at the world, but mostly, angry at myself.

I saw you today Ali. You looked at me and smiled. Then, you slowly blew me a kiss and put your hand on your heart. I looked again and you were gone. It was probably just the light.

For all the pain you caused me both during your life and after I forgive you Ali. Because I love you more than that. I can only hope you love me enough to forgive me for what I'm going to tell you. I... I love Samara Ali. I know the selfish part of you will think that I've ditched you, but the reality is that you ditched me first. So really, it's not my fault. But I'm sorry anyway. I... I love Samara Ali. I'm sorry but I didn't want to hide it for you.

Okay... the thing is... I'm going to use the ring I bought for you so long ago. I'm going to use it for Samara. I'm going to marry her. People fall in love with someone new. I'm... so sorry Ali. I just can't wait for you to come anymore. You aren't coming back for me, I know that now. All I can hope for is that Samara won't leave me and that I will get my happy ending and my forever even though maybe not with you.

Merry Christmas Ali. Hope you enjoy it up there.

~Emily

25/12/14