a life's work filled with words

TW | CW :: slight mention of an attempt in su1c1d3

It Never Stopped Hurting.

A life with an overprotective sibling is hard, they nag, ask questions, about your whereabouts and are like an annoying fly just flying near your face. It’s unsightly, at times it gets too much you just want them to stop. When it does stop it leaves you rather baffled, even missing its presence.

In a world where the internet is a go-to for people, sharing the latest trend they’ve tried, pictures they took of their pets or even sharing information whether it’s true or not. Well, my brother and I used it for a whole other reason. We built a whole pretend family consisting of a mother, a father, and more siblings and connections and it felt like we were really a family, a family that was not connected by blood but by similar experiences. A family that feels complete when together yet broken once one leaves.

It completely broke when I lost one of the people who pushed me into the light leaving himself in the dark, my brother’s lover. My brother promised that he would try not to leave me seeing as how much I was distraught and in pain, some events happened afterward. They became very overprotective to a fault that was suffocating. I know they’re trying their best to make it feel like it’s all back to normal, but it never did. I knew he was the one who was hurting the most, so I sought closure from his former lover. I remember begging for them to get back together, I guess I hit a nerve with my brother.

I made him feel like he wasn’t wanted. I felt so bad. We just kept on falling apart from each other, and so did the pretend family we built. The connection no longer felt like it was something that we can feel at home, it just existed.

“Not even a hi or hello huh…” Maybe it really was my fault, I am often oblivious to things that I’ve done wrong and always have people pointing it out to me. For me, it was he who pointed it out with care but even then they didn’t point it out. I wonder why they didn’t, I knew he still loved him but knew it wouldn’t work out in the end. After that we just kept falling apart, I kept hopping in and out of accounts trying to look for the same feeling I felt from them but in the end, I just keep on reminiscing on things to feel some sort of serotonin boost, sounds stupid I know but it was the only thing I could cling to during the rough year.

I was on the brink of ending everything and I told some friends about my thoughts of ending everything that day, A group chat consisting of 3 people who I still have contact with right now and my brother.  The three tried to console and comfort me cause we’ve experienced the same thing one way or another, the other one told me not to do it, And there my brother was, he was mad maybe, to say the least… I don’t know why but we fell apart even more after that. I thought they were one of the people who I could trust, so why now.

Why now did he only tell me what they really felt towards me? I was in a lot of pain, not only had I lost a friend, I was starting to lose my brother too.

“A promise is about to be broken again…” I told myself looking at my phone screen while holding some pills on the other hand. It wasn’t that I didn’t know we wouldn’t come to that point but it was so painful, I knew that eventually he would leave but I didn’t want it to be this soon.

He was a brother who listened to me with every tear shed, most heartbreaks I experienced. He became my rock in almost everything. I curled up in my grandparent’s bed sobbing while not letting them hear about anything.

Reminiscing was hard, what made it harder was the memories attached to each person I reminisced with. For him, it was every moment we had heart-to-heart talks, the times we played Minecraft while I continued bullying them in the game, and most of all the memories attached to my brother and his lover, which I know he has forgotten already.

Every time I asked them about him and the times we were all goofing around the group chat, the best he would remember is the things I’ve already shared for the public to see, things that can be seen as a meme of sorts.

There's not much danger in forgetting memories but it is painful to forget things that you once cherished.