Sharpen your knife | Hannibal

to mask

She felt as if she was dreaming, as if Morpheus was pulling her under the metaphorical waves.

She didn't want to be late, she had tables to clean and classes to attend in the afternoon. She also had an image to keep since it took her so long to craft it into being. Perfection was hard to accomplish, her mask had to be perfect. because perfection created adoration and envy, she enjoyed seeing both in the faces of strangers

She always felt a part from the crowd, she easily noticed that people's reactions were different from her own. They laughed at stupid notions, they cried over little things and cared about strangers they had never met. to her those things were insignificant, that's why she was strange

But she didn't want to be different, humans as social creatures that they were needed validation and acceptance from others. She wasn't naturally social, but she could be. She wasn't like everyone else, but she could be. She was determined to keep her uniqueness, she wouldn't change for the masses but she could adapt. and what she wanted she got. 

The crafting of her mask started with observing. Her favourite hobby to date was people watching, she would categorise emotions responses according to situations. She learned to react to emotions, to say the right thing at the right time or, more often than not, to keep quiet. she became an actress, the world was her stage. 

After observing came replication. She saw a child crying after being told no in the park once, she replicated it a week later because wanted ice cream for lunch. She saw a boy being confessed to during high school, she replicated that feeling two months later and acquired a boyfriend because it was natural to date at that age. She saw her co-worker deal with complaints incorrectly, so she replicated how the boss did it instead. monkey see, monkey do

No one ever noticed. Her family didn't even get the chance to notice, she had been doing it since childhood. Her teachers saw the perfect student always ready to adventure in another academic pursuit. Her boss and co-workers thought of her as the perfect employee- always on time, always available and always in a bright mood.  Her friends, as the people she occasionally socialized with were also in the dark- to them she was the friend with the loud fashion sense and the wicked humor. they saw what they wanted to see, she always gave them what they thought was correct

She had three bachelor degrees (Sociology, Law and Psychology) and a post-graduation (Information Technology) but she worked part-time in a coffee shop to pay for her needs and was at the moment starting a new degree in International Relations. She had no professional experience in any of her areas of study, she liked learning and she was quite happy with a low paying job. her image was crafted to be an academic at heart who didn't much care about professional progress 

What most people would call a low paying job, was something she enjoyed because she got to casually observe people in diverge social interactions. casually looking at people amused her, small minded people with their petty problems and squabbles

She knew that the man that always had a latte at 11 a.m. was cheating on his wife with multiple women, every time he showed up with a different female companion for coffee his guilt and pleasure was well hidden but he always touched his ring finger at least twice. he always stared at her breasts, she had once imagined slipping poison into his drink

The college girl that always had a americano and a cookie was in a new relationship, feeling nervous yet looking adoringly at her texts. sweet and naive, bound to be heartbroken or killed on the first date

The couple that always had brunch on Saturday, were fighting again - the man felt emotionally neglected while the wife felt sexually neglected. they needed to talk and fuck, or fuck and talk, or kill each other and put her ears out of misery

Knowing these people's problems and fears brought her amusement, she loved to see how they managed their own lives and mostly failed completely at it. She didn't know their names, in fact she made sure she didn't. They felt akin to pets, fumbling around wildly on the road of life while getting bloodied and bruised after attempts at walking properly. she lived vicariously through them, their emotional turmoil was a welcome delicacy 

Life was going as she had envisioned it. Maybe she could have gone to do something great professionally, but greatness meant standing out and she wanted to keep her uniqueness to herself and while she could fake it well enough if she stood out of the crowd somebody would eventually notice. like that one psychology teacher did, but she had been on her best behaviour and he had kept quiet

She would never determine herself a psychopath or a sociopath, the connotations to those terms were unappreciated. She hadn't committed any crimes, she had complete and total control of her plans in life and wearing orange wasn't one of them. Although she had to admit that even if she wanted to do something illegal she probably didn't have time left for it, she had work and studying to do. Had she been truly bored, perhaps.  

 She lacked empathy, she was fine with it. 

until she found out what she was missing out on