EVIL WOMAN / ben parish

chapter six

I'M IN SILENT agony. I can't stop thinking about what Vosch told me. I know better than to let myself be affected by the memories but his words clawed at my soul. I can hear his voice like a soft echo in my mind and it's beginning to piss me off a little bit. I feel guilty for thinking he has no way in comparing to what I'm going through because I know he lost someone too but I'm certain his pain isn't as shattering as mine.

I mean, here I am, dwelling on my decisions. I had no control over the waves yet I feel responsible. I think that's my first problem. I think that's what Vosch has that I don't—understanding.

He knows nothing he could have done would change what happened to his family. He realizes that there's no point on mulling over the past and instead focuses on the future which entails revenge. Obviously killing the aliens is something he's proud to do for that reason but I'm not too thrilled about it. At least, I'm not too thrilled to do it alone.

Well, technically, I won't be doing it alone. I've been assigned to a squad that I'm sure will be doing it with me. Still doesn't change anything.

Dr. Pam enters after a couple of minutes later with a blue jumpsuit and boots in hand. I mentally thank her for it because I need a distraction.

"These are for you," she says.

I'm given the privacy to change and I don't rush into it until I feel comfortable. The blue jumpsuit is a lot more softer than the paper gown I was wearing which feels relieving against my skin. While that fits perfectly, the boots don't. I think I need to break them in as they feel new and discarded.

As I'm walking down the hallway beside Dr. Pam, I can feel the blisters forming from the boots riding up against my heels. I try my best to hold back my winces and force myself to find a more comfortable way of walking that avoids the constant rubbing.

Another thing that causes me annoyance is the temperature in the base. It's freezing cold and my sleeves aren't doing much from preventing my shivering. I decide to cross my arms to create warmth but I catch Dr. Pam's eye.

"Are you alright, Marlowe?"

I make myself nod. Although I hate the sound of my full name, that surprisingly isn't what pisses me off. It's her tone; her soft eyes; her reassuring smile. Like, can she just fuck off already? I'm not the same girl she may have witnessed through my memories from Wonderland. I don't like being comforted with words of affirmation and I sure as hell don't need her caring.

It makes me feel like a kid and I like to believe I'm far from that. It could also be because she has the same color eyes as my parents and sometimes I can see them staring back at me through her. I wish she would just leave me alone.

"I know you're nervous but this is the safest place you could be," she informs me again. Yeah, you've said it enough. "And, after today, you won't be alone anymore."

And you won't be alone anymore.

Her words echo in my mind. I assume she means my "squad". I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

I don't care if we share the same trauma, same experience, or same struggles—which we pretty much do—none of that could make me trust them in the slightest, let alone amuse them with the idea. I've been doing this alone for months and I've been doing just fine. Adding more people to the mix that will pretend to care because of their fear of being alone isn't something I'm exactly excited about. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm glad that I'll get company.

Being with Dr. Pam is actually comforting to me in the sense that she's real. Albeit, I hate her considerate comments and attempts of making me feel normal; she has a voice and she uses it to fill my mind with distractions. I'm hoping these kids, I'm assuming, can do that too.