Problem Solvers

pâro part 3

Mom was finally working properly. He'd deprogrammed her and she was flourishing, she was an artist, she was a star, and Five could finally call the task complete. The problem had been solved.

The work that Mom assigned to herself was as baffling as Klaus's public monologues, but Five did not question it. An artist, he decided, was an unknowable individual. However, to be an artist was no sin. Reginald had been a foolish man, but Five was smarter.

With all that in mind, for the first time in his life, Five allowed himself to relax.

Then, in August, he had an epiphany.

So Five located his mother in her garden and cleared his throat to get her attention. 

Mom grinned at him and stood up, politely dusting herself off. "How can I be of assistance?"

"You see," Five said. "I've realized something."

"Wonderful," Mom said. "What did you realize?"

"I'm a silly man," Five said.

"Aw, honey," Mom said. "I'm sure that's not true?"

"No shame in it," Five said. "I'm old fashioned, is all."

"I see," Mom said. "I hope you are not debasing yourself?"

"Don't be dramatic," Five said. "That's not what I'm doing."

"Understood," Mom said. "What... um, what are you doing, sir?"

"No, no," Five said. "You must not call me sir."

"Is that so?"

"Yes," Five said. "It's unhealthy."

Mom blinked.

"Vanya pointed it out to me," Five said. "I was disrespecting you by allowing you to call me sir."

"No, honey," Mom said. "It isn't disrespectful."

"Yes, it is," Five said. "I accidentally infantilized you."

"Sweetie, that's not-"

"Let me finish," Five said. "If you would."

"Alright," Mom said. "Carry on."

"I'm a big boy," Five said. "And I realize now that my time in the Apocalypse has traumatized me."

"Wow," Mom said. "I mean... excellent."

"Please," Five said. "I would like you to speak freely."

"Crap," Mom said.

"Oh," Five said. "Um... are you alright?"

"Yessir," Mom said.

"No, no," Five said. "Please, I don't mean to scold you, but you mustn't address me that way."

"Understood," Mom said. "Henceforth, I shall delete 'sir' from my lexicon."

"Thank you," Five said. "I will do the same."

"Good job," Mom said. "However, I am requesting elaboration."

"Good," Five said. "But I'm not capable of giving it to you."

"You aren't?" Mom said.

"I'm afraid not," Five said. "You'll have to consult Vanya for the explanation. I'm still puzzling it out, myself."

"Oh," Mom said. "I see."

"I will say this though," Five said. "We are restructuring the hierarchy."

"Oh," Mom said. "I see."

"Are you alright?" Five said.

"I believe so," Mom said. "However, I need clear instructions."