Breaking Point

I'm Not Worthy

Day 2
Why am I writing this? I'm not really sure, to be honest. Part of me wants to share it with her, but I can't. She's gone. I want to be understood though, that my actions are not for myself.
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The door closed behind her. Adeline left my office with fear written on her face. I didn't mean to scare her, but I didn't want her to get hurt. Why did I care though? Lisel's name stayed in my mind. Her face kept me up at night. I didn't want that to soon be Adele. That's why.

Adeline was working out nicely,l besides I thought I caught her snooping a few times. There also was the beginning of the week that had left her a bit shaken up, I'd heard from Josiah. I hadn't been able to get much from him, and I didn't press it. He never pressed me and wasn't asking questions about my aid. No one was. I was content to leave it that way.

The Resistance had sent ships to sink us, good. But bad. They couldn't. Not yet. I was here. Adele was here. Why do I concern myself with her so? It's beginning to worry me. What worries me more is the ease with which I had them sunk.

Two hundred forty-seven men, I was told after, were on that ship. Two hundred forty-seven men lost their lives. It was my fault. I caused 247 letters to go out; I regret to inform you....

Guilt.
Pain.
Grief.

It distracted me from the loss of my book, but not for long, because I wanted to write down these feelings.

My book.

It must've been dropped outside of my cabins. I searched many times, upturning everything, it wasn't there.

I searched the halls for it too, retracing my steps. It wasn't there. Someone had to have found it. Someone had it. It scared me to think someone else had my thoughts. But what scared me worse was that they had had it for a week and hadn't turned me in.

True. They could be with the Resistance, there could be another mole I didn't yet know of, but they hadn't come and found me.

Was it just to torment me? They made it hard to sleep every night thinking tonight could be the night. Every time I heard a knock at my door, this is it. It's over. All I've worked for. Four years of sacrifice. For what? My stupidity to write it down. My carelessness to lose it. I really am an idiot.

It really haunted me to know that someone was reading my thoughts and was learning the most intimate parts of myself.

I needed an escape tonight. I wanted an aid for a reason and it wasn't to take meaningless dictation, God knows I rather write and rewrite myself. I wanted a confidant. I needed to know if I could trust her.

Adele, I hope my intuition is right. Please don't be a spy to harm me.
Please be with The Resistance.

Please. I thought as made my way to her cabin. Please.
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His lips crashed into mine. This was not how I imagined my first kiss, but I didn't push him away.

I savored every moment of this.

His hands skimmed my skin at the base of my shirt, made me shudder. We broke apart to breath for a moment and he mumbled something about me being so good, but I wasn't really paying attention.

My fingers tangled in his hair as he pressed into me. My back was now on the ground, his arms gripping me close as he continued the kiss. This was hot.

I felt the butterflies in the pit of my stomach turn to moans against his lips, he slipped his tongue into my mouth.

I wasn't wrong.

This man was hungry. He was devoring me. And I liked it. I liked his touch. I liked his hands. I liked what he did to me. I liked how he made me feel.

His hands slipped up my shirt and I felt the shivers come back. Damn. This was nice.

All the rumors, they had to be wrong about him. Had to be. I felt him against me and it felt right.

He began to slip off my shirt and I didn't stop him. I felt I should. But something in me thought that if I said no, he would keep going anyways.

I'm a stupid stupid girl, full of hormones and feeling so very high. His kisses trailed my chin.

I didn't want to believe the rumors. That's why I said yes. I didn't really want this, did I?

It didn't matter he already had my shirt over my head and I was letting him. I suddenly didn't want to go further. It was just a kiss. Wasn't it? I didn't want to end up naked in bed with him, did I?

No. I knew the answer to that.

My shirt was off and somewhere else in the room. Where? What was I thinking?

"I- I can't."

"Mmmm, but you can," he gripped me harder.

I don't know how I knew. But they were right. And I let him in.

"D-Daniel," I said my voice weak.

"Yes baby," his voice was breathy.

"P-please, s-s-stop," it unintentionally came out as more of a moan.

"Trust me baby," he said trying to unclasp my bra, "I'll give you the night of your life."

He wanted more.

I did not.

I was trapped.

I'd been warned.

It was my fault.

Stupid stupid girl.
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Day 3
Hell. That describes the weather today. It's hot as hell. I can't remember a day this hot. All my training will be outside today. I'm not looking forward to testing myself this way.
Breath. That's what I keep telling myself. Breath in, breath out, repeat. It's the only way to get through this hell; I'm not talking about the weather.

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Not tonight.

I'll talk to her in my office in the morning, I thought as I approached her room. I shouldn't even be here.

I turned on my heels and headed to my cabin. I was almost there when Josiah stopped me in the hall. "A word sir?"

I nodded and we stepped into my private room. "Gaines," I said, giving him the chance to say what was on his mind.

"I believe we have matters that need to be discussed."

"I know, I shouldn't have sunk them, we should have taken their resources and connections first. Made them talk."

Josiah nodded. "I was talking mainly about the Sailors though sir, they are," he paused. "Growing restless for a cause. There is talk of treason in our midsts."

I kept quiet.

"They want someone stronger. They need someone who will fight harder."

I stayed quiet.

"There is also talk of wanting someone to take control of all districts." Josiah sighed. "They say we are one Voice, yet we are made up of seven- how can we be one united they're asking."

I nodded and he continued.

"They're asking someone to step up and take that place. You are over the capital sir." His voice trailed off.

I understood where he was going, but I didn't quite understand how I was supposed to get there.

"Thank you, Gaines." I said and he began to excuse himself. "We shall continue this conversation, I need time to mull it over."

"Of course sir."

Without so much as a good night Josiah left me to my thoughts.

I sunk down into my cot and pushed my worries aside letting my dreams captivate me.