Violetgrass

Doctor's Illness

"You look terrible," offered Chaoxing as she pulled aside the curtain.

"You said that already," said Baizhu, pulling himself up on the bed. He leaned against the headboard, looking like the life was leeching out of him. Changsheng was curled on top of the headboard.

"I'll say it as long as it's relevant." Sitting by the side of the bed, she held out the soup to him. "Does this happen often?"

"This is the result of the contract," said Changsheng.

"Ah... the contract with you," said Chaoxing, looking at Changsheng and then Baizhu. Baizhu's eyes suddenly stood out to her. They were the eyes of a snake.

"That's right."

Baizhu took the tray from Chaoxing, but Chaoxing found she didn't want to let go. What if he dropped it and burned himself and—

"I've been doing this myself for ages, you know," he said, reading her thoughts.

She had the sudden image of Baizhu, suffering in this room, all alone, without another person's warmth with him. The thought made her heart ache. "You take care of everyone," said Chaoxing, pulling the tray back. She held out a spoon of soup to him instead. "It's alright for someone to take care of you once in a while. Just because you can do it yourself doesn't mean you need to."

She fed it to him, spoon by spoon, until the bowl sat empty. Warmth hung in the air of the dreary room. Chaoxing thought the place seemed a little brighter all of a sudden.

She kept the bowl aside, and Baizhu lay down again, his eyes on the ceiling. He seemed like he wanted to sleep.

"Tell me a story," he said.

Chaoxing smiled, remembering a young girl who had stayed at the pharmacy. It felt like so long ago. "A long time ago, there was a seelie at the Akademiya..."

***

When Baizhu woke up again, he was surprised to see Chaoxing sitting on the floor, her hands neatly folded under her head on the bed. Changsheng was curled around her protectively, also dozing off. Baizhu smiled as he looked at her, his chin in his hand. He reached out, running a hand over her hair. She stirred, but didn't wake up.

Gui knocked twice before he entered. He opened his mouth to say something, saw Chaoxing and Changsheng sleeping, and then closed his mouth again. He held a tray of neatly cut fruits in his hand.

"What is it?" asked Baizhu softly.

Gui held up the plate as way of explanation. Baizhu kept his eyes on Chaoxing as Gui kept the plate on the table beside the bed. "She hasn't come out of the room since she came in," whispered Gui.

Baizhu nodded. "I need a favor."

"Yes?"

"Keep an eye on her for me. Usually I would, but since I currently can't..."

"It's fine," said Gui, waving away his concerns. "I don't think she plans to leave you alone here anyway. I'll keep an eye on her for you anyway. So will Changsheng and Qiqi." He tilted his head. "Are you still worried she'll kill herself?"

"Yes," said Baizhu, recalling her words. She said that it would always be there under the surface. And if it showed itself when he wasn't around...

The tenderness he felt for her was different from the obligation he held toward all the patients who came to Bubu Pharmacy. But someone who wants to live forever cannot be with someone who doesn't want to live another day. He smiled ruefully.

"You don't need to worry that much." Baizhu and Gui both started at Chaoxing's voice. "I feel pretty stable."

Gui walked out silently.

"For how long, do you think?"

"I don't know," she answered truthfully. She looked up at Baizhu, a little startled by what she saw there. He seemed upset.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said. She raised an eyebrow at him, and waited. "The fact that my patient has to take care of me doesn't really make me feel better. It's why I stay alone when this happens." Chaoxing nodded. He probably didn't like it when people sympathized too much. "A doctor always needs to seem confident for his patients. Our confidence gives them strength."

"But I'm not your patient. I haven't taken any of your medicine in a while." Chaoxing turned around and leaned against the bed, stretching her legs out. "There'll be days when I can't get out of bed, and you'll help me. There'll be days you can't get up, and I'll be there for you. There'll be days we'll get up and watch the stars together." She looked up at the ceiling as she spoke, as though she could see the stars beyond the walls.

Baizhu didn't speak for a while. There was something in her words, an emotion he couldn't place...

"Hopeful," he realized. "You sound hopeful. All these days, I've seen you upset, happy, and even playful, but not once have I seen you hopeful."

She tilted her head back, and smiled at him. "You give me hope. Give me hope, and I'll stay. For you, Gui, Qiqi, and a better tomorrow."

"A better tomorrow," he repeated, looking at the ceiling, as though he could see the stars like she did.

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