25/7/22
12:30pm
I never deserved it,
I know it you know it,
Everyone knows it,
and i'm way too tired to keep pushing,
You like to play dumb,
Pretending like you weren't aware of the situation,
Acting coy, It's a habit of yours,
Always thinking you're sly,
You're disgusting!
So let me make it clear for you,
Help you acknowledge your wrongs.
Its like the only time I could see you without any faults,
Were when I had my eyes closed,
In my mind and imaginations,
You were perfect in my dreams,
You were who I wanted you to be,
Someone who loved and cared for me,
Someone who appreciated me,
One whose actions matched their words,
But that was just an image-
A picture I painted inside my head,
In reality that "you" didn't exist.
They called us ying and yang-
I was good, Why were you bad to me?
I didn't deserve it.
It's crazy how I called you life,
When you were going to be the death of me.
I was the main character in his story,
He didn't like that,
I knew I was too good for him,
Love made me ignore that.
"He's not that bad",
"He's probably busy",
"Maybe he forgot",
Excuses, I made so many excuses for you-
I didn't want my friends thinking you weren't good for me.
They did warn me, I chose not to listen,
Was a fool, for love, his love,
Liar! Liarrrrr!!
He's a liar!
"I'm sorry"-
You were never sorry,
Narcissist, self conceited is what you are! and I hate you!
Regret, I have so many regrets!
I know I can't change my pasts,
What I had with you is now history,
If I could change it, I would,
The only place changes can be made is in the future, My future,
A future without you.
I couldn't stop thinking and asking,
I wanted to know! I needed answers!!
"how was my life when I didn't know you?",
My life with you had zero of your presence, It was like you were never even here,
Abstract? No! I couldn't even feel you,
And when you left,
I didn't feel better nor worse, just empty, but the emptiness was heavy, too heavy!
Funny isn't it?
Yes the emptiness was weighing me down,
But I stopped expecting, I stopped expecting your calls, your texts, your care, I stopped begging for your love,
I stopped obsessing over you,
Numb. I didn't cry cause I couldn't,
I couldn't smile either, I wasn't 'fine' like i'd been claiming to be,
Not even in the slightest, but this time-
My brain just knew to expect nothing,
I still ask myself sometimes-
Do you ever think of me?
Do you miss me?
Do you wish you-*pause*,
Do you ever wish you were good to me?
Do you wish you never treated me bad?
With wishful thinking, I made myself feel better,
Answering questions I asked myself,
Wrote stories about alternate universes,
One where you and I actually end up together-
Crazy? Yeah, I was crazy,
I never thought i'd get over you,
Now that I have- *sigh*
Am I happy? No, not yet-
But one thing is for sure,
I know you're not here, you'll never be,
So I have nothing to look forward to,
I need to heal,
Only God can forgive you,
Cause I never will,
I'll stop worrying now,
I'll forget you and all the pain you caused me,
Hate?,
I detest how you still have the power to make me feel an emotion so strong,
So I'll try to not hate you.
Say your last goodbyes,
This is it, my final decision,
My last goodbye, I'm never going back.
~💜Ronnie.
