The Four

Chapter 138

Life, went on? I didn't really know how to describe it. The days passed, the hours passed, minutes passed and I was aware of that. I was alive, I went through them, but I didn't really live. I spend my minutes, hours and days, weeks, months, looking and observing my children and loving them. When I left them alone, I laid in bed and just accepted my life.

I didn't laugh, well I laughed at my children, but it wasn't laughing, it was just making them happy. I wasn't happy though. I was anything but happy. I was severely depressed. I didn't see the point of waking up, but I couldn't let my children down. That was my only source of happiness at the moment, even if it was brief.

I didn't talk, only if I was talking to my children, I felt a bit like Christian and that was fine, there was no point in talking or having a conversation with someone, if it wasn't for the fact that it was towards my children.

My husbands- correction, Matt and Eric, they went to work and in the afternoon they'd find me laying on the floor with our children, enjoying their company, or just observing them with tears in my eyes. They tried to talk to me, to get me to do something else, to leave the house, but I didn't see the point. I didn't see the point of having dinner anywhere but in the nursery or in my bedroom. I didn't see the point of living. They were patient with me and told me that I could be this way until the trip in April, which was 7 months away and I accepted that. Well, I didn't disagree.

The good thing about this was, was that we couldn't fight. But we also couldn't enjoy our times. I didn't want one night with any one of them personally, I wanted to sleep with both of them by me, there were no private moments. There were short pecks, but that was it. I couldn't muster up the courage to do more, nor the energy.

I had no energy, no will to live, nothing. All I had was my children and I wanted to be around them every second of the day and I was so lucky that I was able to do that. Because, fuck they were perfect.

They were currently seven months old and perfection. Jacob, he had the same colour hair as Matt, even had his perfect brown eyes, with a bit more green spots, and he had the brightest and biggest smile ever on his face. He was very curious and would put everything into his mouth, which always made me laugh. He made me laugh and he laughed loads at everything around him. He has a happy baby. He wasn't ruined by the world. He could already sit, which was apparently interesting.

Emerson, she still had those perfect gingerish curly locks, that just like he rmother went all over the place. She had the same eye colour as her brother, but they were so much larger and she used them; she was an observer. She would look at everyitnh grad if she didn't have anything interesting to look at, she would start to get upset. Or if I wasn't in the room. She was obsessed with me as I was with her. She was fiery.

Cecilia was- perfection. But, again, they were all perfection. Cecilia had a bit of a mix colour of hair, it was a very dark red, and she had my bright green eyes which were equally as big as Cecilia. She was a bit of a trouble maker, she loved pulling hair, she loved pulling things and hurting her sister, which made her sister cry, but then Cecilia would laugh and that made Emerson stop crying. She loved to observe things and she had the biggest smile ever on her perfect fucking face. I was obsessed with her. But that might have to do with the fact that her smile was just like Matt's and that was just something that I was obsessed with; althigouh she was basically a mini Matt in my eyes.

The three of them, I was obsessed with them and I couldn't not be obsessed with them. They were my whole world, they were the only reason why I even got up in the morning. Eric and Matt knew this, they knew that the only reason that I even smiled was because of the three of them and they accepted it.