The Four

Chapter 62

Kitty P.O.V

Breathing was a weird concept, don't you think? I mean, we filled our lungs with air and then let it out. Everyone breathed in the same air, but everyone did different things with it. Some used the air in their lungs to work, the others to hurt people, but the majority of the people took it for granted. They took taking a breath for granted. They had never had it taken from them. They had never been chocked. They had never had a cloth over their face, water pouring over them. They never gasped for air, wondering if the breath they had taken before hand, was the last breath that they would ever take. And some people, like me, didn't know what to do with the air that filled their lungs every second. I didn't know what to waste it on anymore. I didn't know what to do with it. I knew that ever since I had been taken from my first captures by the second, that I hadn't taken a breath that was normal, stable, content.

I wasn't happy and it showed in my breathing. It was irregular, sometimes it was impossible for me to take the right amount of air in me. The Priestess told me that that was a panic attack. The priestess told me I had PTSD. That I had trauma that I needed to process. I agreed with her on that though, it took me months to agree to that, but I agreed to that. So much had happened in my life that I had to process all of that and give it a place in my life. Breathing helped with that, using the air around me to calm myself. She told me how to meditate and how to calm down. She told me that I needed to find inner peace before letting anyone else in and I agreed.

I agreed on that, she didn't influence me to do so, she asked me what I really wanted within. What was my body telling me? And what my body wanted was peace. It had been misused ever since my wedding to the Kings of Locatlie, something that was still surreal to me. It was like it was a part of my life so long ago, that I knew that it had happened, but I didn't remember actually being there. They hadn't necessarily misused my body, I knew I had been a more than willing participant. I knew that I had once loved them, cared for them, wanted to be around them for long periods of time. But it did break my body apart, exhausted it. I had no peace.

Afterwards- well I didn't want to think about everything they did to me physically, nor mentally. The mental part was the hardest. My whole life was the hardest.

In the weeks after telling the Kings of Locatlie what I wanted, I often wondered how Queen Julia dealt with this. She, too, had seen family members of her being shot before her. She, too, had been physically and mentally ruined. But, according to what the Priestess told me, the mental part of her torture lasted a month and she had occurring dreams with King Trevor. I didn't have that. I didn't dream. I only had blackness when I closed my eyes. Either that, or something much much worse; nightmares.

The problem with nightmares, and particularly my nightmares, is that I had no idea if they were true or not. If they were based on real life events. If they were actually memories of mine. All my memories seemed to be a long lost dream. My dreams, my nightmares, my past, they all mixed together. It was a mess. It was a mess.

I was a mess.

I stayed a mess for a very long time.

But, after three months, I decided I had to do something. I couldn't just stay in the house that once had been King Michael's and read the entire library. I had to get out of here. I had to explore the world. I had to explore what I enjoyed, confirm my suspicions. I couldn't stay cooped up in here forever.

So that's what I did. But before I did that, I realised that I couldn't walk around with my hair; at least the colour of my hair. It was so fucking obvious, everyone would know who I was the moment that I'd walk anywhere and that's the last thing I wanted. Wigs could work, but that was so warm and not what I wanted.

I wanted a change, so I asked a security guard of mine to go into the first hair salon and to ask if one of the hairdressers could come to my place with different kinds of colours. I looked at all of them, and I decided on a dark brown colour.

After the hairdresser, I looked into the mirror and I didn't recognise the girl in front of me for a while, but after staring at myself for two full days, I loved it. I loved seeing the texture. It felt like me. I was happy.

After I had done that, I decided to go into the city. I had security guards with me, but they were all wearing casual clothing and weren't walking right beside me. People didn't turn their heads when they saw me, they went on with their day.

I joined a gym and went to some classes at the gym, just to figure out what I liked. I also realised I loved driving a motorcycle and got my license within a week, as I had some experience. After a while, I met a girl whom went to the same classes as I did.

Her name was Naomi, she was a blonde girl and she was stunning. She stared at me and did a double take when she saw me, before the biggest smile appeared on her face. She talked to me, we went for drinks and we talked the whole evening. I hadn't told her who I was, and she didn't know.

It wasn't until two months into our friendship, which included us going out, having fun, and doing a lot of stuff together, I decided I would let her come to my house.

I could still remember the shock on her face when she climbed on the back of my motorcycle and I drove towards the Kings private road before going towards the house I stayed in.

She stared at me for a very long time before stating 'I get what you mean with 'it's complicated' when you stated your relationship status'. I told her everything that had happened, well not everything, but mainly my feelings. She accepted me, hugged me, loved me.

I was finally free, to be free.