Her Forgotten ~Tomura Shigaraki x OC AU~

Chapter 34: Ash Ridden Regret

Tomura

Bronze light breaks across indigo clouds.

And falls over rolling hills of green, dipping and skipping into small valleys. And the shadows yawn and stretch, crawling and scurrying to broken hollows, trying to hide. And birds fly, just silhouettes gliding through fiery clouds. And –

"Shigaraki."

I turn. Compress stands, his exterior mask off, so I can see his eyes. He is looking at me, both of us still in the same clothes from yesterday. Though, he is slightly more put together than me.

I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't, and I wouldn't. Not like this. Not with knowing she is out there, somewhere unknown. And she is not here, next to me, sleeping so soundly and perfectly.

I still remember that morning waking up with her next to me. She was sound asleep with long lashes sweeping against round cheeks. They were pink and flushed, and her lips were parted. And even with her hair short and wild, I remember thinking she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

But that feels so long ago. How many days has it been? And why does it feel that way?

"Shigaraki."

Oh, yeah. Because she asked about my scars. A hollow feeling falls into my stomach. Why did I do that? Why did I run? And why do I always do that? Push her away at the first sign of something remotely intimate.

Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm afraid. To let someone in is to admit I have weaknesses. But right now, my greatest weakness is –

"Tomura," Compress says. His voice is quiet and gentle, the hand he rests on my shoulder heavy. "How are you holding up?"

How am I holding up? I could laugh. I want to. How am I holding up? Barely. Like a string fraying under the tension of being stretched and pulled. But I sigh, my voice rough and strange.

"I have so many regrets, Compress." I look at him. I feel so tired. "I messed up so many times. Will she ever forgive me?"

A small smile lifts the corners of his lips, but I don't think it reaches his eyes. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you love her." He takes a step closer, then takes a seat next to me. "You know, there's been a new air about you since Miss Hartz arrived. You seem more driven and determined."

"Was I not before?"

He shrugs. "No, you were. It's just, now it seems there is a fire lit under you. Almost like a passion, dare I say."

I frown. "I don't know. I feel the same as I always do."

"Do you? Because I think everyone sees what I see."

I sit, not looking or thinking. At least, trying not to. If I think, my thoughts wander, and they always stagger right back to...

"Do you think it's true? Do you think I really love her?" I turn to him.

He shrugs again. "I don't know. I can't answer that. The only one who can is you." He meets my eyes. "So, do you?"

Do I? I don't know. I've never thought about it before. But at the same time, the way I feel whenever I think about her...see her...touch her... Those moments always make me feel so weak. But isn't that what sexual attraction does?

"I don't know," I say with a heavy breath. "We fight and bicker too much, and she constantly pisses me off." Then images of the things I've said and done flash through my mind. I wince. "And I hurt her. Surely, if you love someone you don't hurt them."

"That was an accident, Shigaraki. We all know it was."

I shake my head, chewing my lip. "No, not just that. I...I've hurt her so many times. I've thrown her. Tossed her like a ragdoll against walls. I've grabbed her too hard, leaving bruises of my fingertips. I've said and called her horrible things. So, tell me, if I did love her, why would I do those things?"

There is a spell of silence that lingers between us for a beat or two, and I believe for a moment that he sees me for the monster I feel I am. But then he speaks.

"Shigaraki, if you'll allow, I'd like to speak freely." He looks at me and I nod. "I think you do love her, but because of how your life has played out thus far, you don't know how to interpret your feelings or express them properly, let alone feel them. So, you act out. You become possessive and violent, all while simultaneously being distant and aloof. You're hot and cold with her. One minute you want her, the next you try to repel her. Not to mention that little pissing match you had with Dabi."

"Hey, you know how much he pisses me off."

"Even so," he chuckles and looks forward. "Do you love her? I believe the answer is yes. However, I also believe you need to find a way to express those complicated feelings in a healthy manner. You deserve to let your feelings be known and as for Miss Hartz... Well, she deserves to know the man that loves her would never lay a hand on her in anger."

I nod and look at my gloved hands. The hands that have hurt her so many times. Hands that have grabbed her. Hands that have flung her. Hands that have shaken and rattled her. Hands that...

She will be scarred now, no doubt. That is if she hasn't lost her whole arm.

Guilt consumes me, falling with this sickening thud like lead in my stomach. There is so much regret and dread, then realization.

"What if she doesn't feel the same?" I ask, turning to him.

He shrugs. "Then she doesn't feel the same. What else is there? It's not as if you can throw her in a tower and lock her away." A warm smile bends his lips. "But if my speculations are right, I'd say she feels the same."

I once again nod, but I don't know if I believe him. After all, how could she love me? How could she love a monster like me, especially after all that I put her through? After all the hatred and violence. After all the threats and nasty words. After all the things I did wrong. How?

I sink deeper into the cushion, breathing. "I just want to find her and bring her back."

"I know you do. We're all doing as much as we can to find her."

"It doesn't feel like enough."

"We'll find her, Shigaraki. We'll find her."

But it almost sounds like more of a lie than a promise. Maybe a hope or a wish. But not a truth.

And just as I sit, floating and drifting in that hope, Spinner swings open the door, finding both of us. His eyes are wide, and his shoulders are rising and falling quickly, laboring his breathing. And yet, even through those rough pants, he manages to speak.

"They called."

At first, it doesn't register, but within moments, I am on my feet. "The Nakamuras?"

He nods. "Re-Destro is on the phone with them now."

And just like that, I am moving faster than light.

**Hello, lovelies! Oof. I did not want to type this chapter, but here we are. A bit of a look into Tomura's head with all this. Now, I will say that just because he is having these realizations it does not right his wrongs (and it sure as hell doesn't mean a person in IRL could pull this either). He still did do bad things and nothing makes up for those. That said, the end suggests that there might be progress. Maybe. How do you think things will play out with the twins? Stay tuned to find out! So, I conquered a gym fear at the gym. I used the stairmaster, which has always intimidated me. Now, granted, I can only do five minutes on it right now. Still, that's five minutes I wasn't doing before, and as I progress, I'll be able to up my time and speed. It maybe only five minutes, but I'm pretty darn happy and proud of myself. But yeah, that's what I got going on lol. But as always, thank y'all oh, so much for everything! Y'all are the bestest! Wuv yous!! <3**

-Noel Ross