Flaw

Forty Months

I love you, Grace! <3 Guys, Grace is seriously talented. Please read her story Definiton: Slut ! it is so goooood, I swear. I can't get over Ella and Oliver. I'm actually her die hard fan in my other account! <3 

We were walking to my favourite burger place, hand in hand, and I suddenly thought of something. I looked at our hands, our ring-less hands, and I thought, would we ever get married? Would I one day end up with you? In your arms for the rest of eternity? That felt like such a big thought. Me? With you? Forever. It felt so beyond anything I could ever grasp. It felt surreal to think about that. It felt surreal because, who would want to spend eternity with me? I’m really a mess with my things, I always forget and end up burning what I cook, I spend endless nights reading a book and crying about fictional characters, I’m basically an emotional train wreck, I can’t be nice and considerate all the time and sometimes, I just don’t know how to act or what to do in situations where an intelligible person would know how to handle. I’m incompetent and insecure, and so why would you want to spend all your life, why waste it, with me in your arms forever?

 But at the same time, it not only emotionally, but physically hurt also, to think of you with someone else. I felt quite numb and cold and like a ton of hollow blocks fell on top of me, I felt pale and like I’m going to vomit with the possibility of some other girl’s father walking her down the church aisle and into your arms. It made me down right sick.

I also couldn’t imagine a life without you, you complete me, and I need you. Of course, I want you, but now, it’s more than that, now I need you. I don’t like opening up to people very much. It makes me feel open, bare…Naked, vulnerable. I don’t, I don’t like that.

But to you, it’s like I love being naked, naked in front of you, not in literal terms, but in I want to open up to you and I want to be vulnerable in front of you terms. I guess that’s because I want you to take care of me, I want you to protect me, I want you to be there with me, all the days of my life. I want to watch your hair go from a rich dark brown colour to a silvery-white colour, I want to be able to stroke your hair until there is nothing left to stroke anymore, I want to watch your strong stature go to an old, weak, bony kind, I want to massage you when your weak back gets sore, I want to be able to see and count every wrinkle that’ll appear on your face and I want to fall in love with you, the way you age and how time can never steal your beauty, over and over again.

I felt like with you, I got to pour out all my feelings, like that one time, when I told you about how I felt on the subject of people and how them being mean, isn’t an excuse to be mean back.

“Cahl,” we were watching the breakfast club together and I just, I realized something then. “You know, that’s exactly why I try to be nice to everyone around me.” I had said.  “I remember Meghan shoving me and how she had said, ‘out of my way, you bitch!’ and well, I had not retaliated, I didn’t get mad and I just took it. Because maybe Meghan was acting that way because she was in a bad mood, maybe she was in a bad mood because her dad beats her up and her mum left her when she was little? You know? We don’t, we don’t know people. We don’t know them and what they’ve been through. We don’t understand. Everybody is fighting their own battle, that’s why we’ve got to be nice.”

“I know that, Em.” You had said. “But that doesn’t mean they have to act the way they do because their having a hard time themselves.”

“Yeah, Cahl.” I patted your hand. “They don’t know better, but we do, and we know that being a bitch back won’t get us anywhere. It just makes us…Monsters.”

“You’re really special, you know.” You had said, “I’m going to marry you some day, I just know it.” You kissed the top of my head.