Too Far (A Dan Howell Fanfiction)

11- This will be fine.

*Suicide Mention Trigger Warning

6 Weeks Later

I believe many things have changed over the last month. Other than having an empty home, as her mum came over to collect her things 3 weeks ago. The spare room has just been empty. I haven't even been inside since. I impulse cut my hair shoulder length in the bathroom, letting my hair just fall on the floor. I still find hair stuck to my foot once in a while after being in there. I also started wearing my glasses rather than contacts. Maybe because I had the constant urge to just jab my eyes out when I put them in. I honestly believe there is no more reason for living. At least for me. My life was falling apart at the seams and I've been pulling at the thread to keep it in place. But sometimes I think about letting it go and just giving up. It's been really hard to, lately.

Suicide isn't something you just wake up and realise you don't matter, causing you to want to die . It's an overall compilation of things you want to end. I've been planning mine. Sometimes I wake up and think "Why did I ever think I wanted to kill myself?" but that usually goes away. I keep thinking, if there is a sign that will tell me that there is something worth living for, it would have been clear to me by now. No one has called me, no one has came to visit. I've already been forgotten. Today was the day. I would no longer be that person that people send "Best Wishes" to over Facebook.

I took my bag off of the hook, ripping it more than a little. That would usually annoy me, but not today. I left the door unlocked because who cares. Then I walked towards the bus stop. Then it hit me.

Today was the last day. The last time. After this, who knows what will happen. Where will my mind float off to? There will be no more 'me'. I wanted to back out. I then remembered that there would have been a sign by now. I'm superstitious, so maybe that's why I think about things like this. I thought of turning around and going home, trying to make something of myself. But that would just end in pain and torture for another day. I part of me thought "Just get it over with. Whatever the fuck happens to you will be a hell of a lot better than what your going through now." But this tiny part of me, way in the very back says "if you look for a sign, like actually try to find one, you will." That was the only positivity running through my mind. But it was a term I would agree with. A deal, if you will. If I can find a sign, anything at all, I'll back out and reconsider my options. If not, then that is it. Ok.

I continued to walk down the street and they were doing construction where the bus stop usually is. The bench had been laid in the grass. I went up to one of the workers.

"Excuse me. Where is the next stop?" He looked up and wiped sweat off of his forehead.

"It's just 3 blocks down. But the bus is going to pass soon, so be quick."

"Ok. Thank you." I nodded and smiled slightly. Then began walking. It seemed like hours, but according to my watch, it had been 15 minutes. I still didn't see the stop he was talking about. A lady jogging had came near me.

"Excuse me, do you know wh-" she had her earphones in, she walked right past me. "-ere...the...bus..." I faded out. I kept looking to see if it was across the street but I don't think it was.

Was this the sign? No, I'm being stupid. This was a coincidence. I hate that I believed in shit like this.

"You were looking for a sign?" Someone called from behind me.

"What?" My heart beat as he mentioned "the sign".

"The bus stop? It's just around the corner, I'll walk you there, if you'd like." He smiled. I recognized that face. I could from a mile away, if no his face, it was his height.

"Dan." I spoke confidently. I was sure it was him. I sort of smiled at seeing the familiar face after being alone for so long.

"Yea." He paused. "Do you watch my videos? It's nice to meet you." He put his hand out. I didn't take it. I just stared at it, and then looked up at him. His smile sort of faded into an awkward stare.