Too Far (A Dan Howell Fanfiction)

12- I wasnt careful enough.

*Suicide mention trigger warning

His hands pulled away first and he smiled, showing his dimple. "Let me go call Phil and ask to move some things around. I'll be back in a few minutes." He stood up and pushed in his chair. The outdoor gate to a pretty garden, part of the restaurant, was to the side of us, he walked over and crossed the fence.

"Heeerrreee is your food." Colt came with a tray.

"Thank you." I said happily.

"Sorry for the long wait."

"No. It's fine, thank you." I nodded. He left me and I looked at my sandwich. It was a big sandwich, cut into slices like a pie. I probably don't eat that much in a whole day. I picked out a piece and took out the toothpick. I took a bite and it was probably the nicest things I've ever eaten.

I looked over to Dan at the garden and he seemed like he was fighting on the phone. He used lots of jagged hand gestures and I could almost hear him yelling from across the venue. Of course, the bad thoughts came back.

They don't want you there.

He's just trying to be nice.

He doesn't even know you.

Why would he care.

You're ruining more lives.

Handle this yourself.

At first, my face became red. I couldn't see myself, but I could feel it. I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down, telling myself that I just needed to ignore the voices in my head. I couldn't help it. I teared up, breathing quickly. I tried to get my mind off it. I looked around at the smiling people, enjoying their meals to calm myself down even just a bit. But I couldn't convince myself.

I stood up and opened the door to the indoor part of the restaurant, causing lots of heads to turn. They all gave me looks of horror. I knew I looked bad. Eventually I had found the bathroom inside. Luckily no one was inside. I basically ran over to a sink and looked at myself in the mirror, my bright red, puffy face. I looked so stupid and horrible. I couldn't go back outside now. I just pictured Dan yelling at Phil, who probably didn't want me there. I don't blame him, I've already became an obstacle to deal with. I tried to take slower breaths nodding at myself in the mirror that it was going to be ok. But was it? This whole situation was going to end up the same way. I'm going to have to leave sometimes. I hated thinking about the future. I believe the cause of depression and anxiety and all that, is the future. What you're going to do, how people could treat you. It's all not very fun to think about. People treat it like its a quirk. But it's a lot more than that. It's hell, and no one I previously knew understood how dangerous it was.

But I couldn't just think about myself right now. Dan was probably off the phone and wondering where I ran off to. If I had left. I tried to practice a fake smile in the mirror. People say that if you see yourself smiling, you will believe you are happy. But it wasn't me. This person looking back at me wasn't the happy girl with a best friend who lived an average life. I'm not Anna anymore, am I? I sniffed and wiped tears from my face and neck, scraping my neck with my fingernail.

I looked down from my reflection and more at the glass on the mirror. It was missing a piece at the bottom as if someone had punched it. I looked below the sink to the floor and picked up the shard. It was thick, not sharp enough to cut just by touch, but enough to break skin with pressure. I held it in front of me in the palm of my hand. I looked at it, then at myself in the mirror.

This crying mess of what I used to be. I took it into my hand and lifted it over my right arm, still shaken and unstable from the tears.

The door to the bathroom opened and I immediately dropped it into the sink, gasping to my surprise. I quickly backed up and took a deep breath, looking at myself in the mirror, and then the door.