Mitts (OLD VERSION)

10. Small Wins

I didn't talk the entire ride back to the hotel room or in the elevator or even in the room. Jamie had tried to get some conversation out of me, even just a yes or no answer. I couldn't. My brain wouldn't let me speak, it wouldn't let me do anything.

I was doom-scrolling on the internet. Half of the internet was tearing me to shreds while the other half was commending me for my bravery. It all felt like too much. Dozens of articles were trending under my name.

Girl on a men's hockey team; what kind of woke message is Everett University trying to press down onto our kids?

Jake Mitchell confirms rumors of his transgender identity, making him officially the first D1 transgender hockey player.

H— Mitchell, the girl who lied her way onto an elite hockey team.

How the media failed Jake Mitchell and his coming out story.

Everett University's new agenda: H— Mitchell

The case against having H— Mitchell on the ice.

Trans college athletes? Is the left going too far?

"I'm just Jake": Jake Mitchell presents a hopeful future for transgender athletes with his story

Everett University backs a liberal agenda with girl on men's hockey team

"Stop it." Jamie grabbed my phone, he had come back from wherever a lot of the guys were hanging out. Willy and Toner were with the rest of the guys.

"Hey." I didn't even fight him, I knew it was a bad idea to be looking at the internet right now.

"You're doomscrolling. It's not healthy." He put my phone on the nightstand.

I shrugged.

"Out with it." He sat down next to me on the bed, "This is deeper than just the shitty dude. You've been like this all week. Out with it."

"You wouldn't get it." I sighed.

"Try me," He pleaded.

"It's...fuck. I don't know. They're never going to look at me the same, no one is. It's just like high school. The first thing anyone thinks of me is that I'm trans, that I'm an outlier, I'm the mismatched one. It's never going to be the same. I won't be able to do anything without having a million labels stuck in front of me. They only see me as the trans player now, not as Jake Mitchell or even just number 13 or even just as a regular player," I explained, the frustration and anger was boiling up from inside.

I had been bottling it all up and now it was at the surface, and it kept coming, "I just want to fucking play hockey. I never wanted to come out again. I wanted to stay hidden, I didn't want anyone to ever know again. I wish I never fucking came out. I should've just denied it." I groaned, "I shouldn't have even fucking come to Everett. This was all a huge fucking mistake. I knew it was a huge fucking mistake to play in college and I still did it. I knew it was going to lead to something like this. I'm so fucking stupid, I knew this would happen. This is just like high school. I should've have even come out at all. Fuck I should've just stayed in-"

Jamie leaned his head on my shoulder, "Shut up. You're spiraling."

"Yeah." I nodded, taking a breath.

He threaded his right hand into my left.

"My little brother thought it was cool you came out." Jamie pulled his phone out with his free hand, "He...well, he came out last year, he's 14. He was having a really rough time transitioning socially and even just going into high school. He still is. I mean I don't have to tell you how hard it is to come out and transition socially. But after the interview he texted me. All about you. How cool you are. And how cool it is to have someone like you to look up to. It's the happiest he's been in months I think."