When Lions And Snakes Play Together: A Cautionary (But Funny)Tale

f.i.v.e: A Not Entirely Unexpected Call

Severus

Kreacher, the Black family house elf's usual sass and mirrored sarcasm, was something the former Headmaster of Hogwarts missed in his heart of hearts. The reason for this change? His own house elf Smocky, who ran his house in an efficient manner he enjoyed, had four months ago decided to become involved with the surly Black family house elf. On the day Lucius Malfoy decided to pop in for a not entirely unexpected house call, Kreacher apparated into his basement potions lab with the news.

Severus lifted up the headphones of what muggles called a "discman," or portable compact disc player, and reminded the elf of the rules. "Do I need to remind you, elf, of the importance of my solitude in this lab?"

Kreacher rolled his black eyes. "Nice to know Kreacher won't have to completely clean all the toilets in the bathrooms, for you surely used a coffee mug to piss in, master."

Severus nodded. "Indeed. What is the news?"

"Mr Malfoy is being plied with refreshments and tea while Smocky speaks with him. Kreacher likes it, not with her working in her delicate state."

Severus paused his music and removed his headphones. "You said you didn't mind it."

Kreacher rolled his eyes. "That was before she began to show, master. Will you not come up? Kreacher doubts he is leaving any time soon, insistence upon your solitude or not. He is as stubborn as you if Kreacher won't mind Kreacher saying it."

"Let me get presentable."

"Kreacher will pass along the message." He snapped his fingers and disapparated away.

He took a shower and changed into a fresh outfit that was not his usual teaching robes but dark muggle clothes that were far less restrictive. With that done, he met Lucius in the drawing room, and Lucius rose and hugged him. Severus endured it, never being one to willingly hug another person...sober that was. Severus patted his cousin's back, and Smocky served them tea and her famous crumpets for tea time.

"May I inquire as to the reason for your visit?"

Lucius smiled wickedly. "Yes. I'm getting you out of this dreary place for somewhere more fun: Las Vegas."

"And why would I ever deign to return to that cesspool? Wizarding section of it or not, it encourages immorality."

Lucius slid him a surprisingly elegant invitation. "Call it an act of intervention then." Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger were getting married. "The witch's entire friend clique thinks she is making a massive mistake, but yet insists on throwing Miss Granger a spectacular co-ed bachelor/bachelorette party. I decided to fund the venture as a sort of olive branch towards Draco since he seems keen to repair the school House rivalry."

Severus rubbed at his suddenly dry eyes. "And this has to do with me. How? In case you haven't noticed, I'm no longer the witch's teacher and have no input on her life. You may have regained your place on the Wizengamot due to your pardon, but I am still painted with the same black brush as every other deatheater."

"That sounds like Snape speak for cowardice, little brother. I'm not asking you to sleep with the bride to be, I'm asking you to leave this dungeon of yours for one weekend to live a little, maybe go find a witch or muggle to get laid with. How long has your dry spell been going on?"

Severus scowled. "Long enough."

"Well, as I see no turned around white collar on you, I'm going to assume it's been far too long."

"Not since 'Cissa after your divorce."

There was a time such a statement would have angered his cousin, but Lucius simply looked a bit sad for a moment. "Yes, I heard. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you either."

"A lie, but I'll accept it in the name of us being family and old friends. You should just fund the venture from afar and not go to America yourself."

Lucius smiled, knowing that he had won. "True. But come on, it will be fun. You don't want me to make my plead face, do you?"

"God's forbid. Fine, fine. I will go along, but only to ensure you don't make a bigger fool of yourself than you already will during this...party."

"Great. We're meeting up at Miss Granger's house in the morning to transport everyone to the airport."

Severus rose an eyebrow at that. "Muggle transport, Lucius? How scandalous. Do I need to call a healer?"

"Thanks, little brother."
"Don't thank me yet."
"I love you too."
"Get out, you delusional peacock."
"Sure, overgrown bat. I'm going."

They tried to maintain being stoic but then laughed. They parted well, all things considered, and Severus continued his lab work until dinner. Once that was done, he made his preparations and arrived at Miss Granger's doorstep in the morning as planned, where he found the bridal party laughing and carrying on with Lucius.

Miss Granger was trying to get breakfast started, but then Lucius spotted him, and volunteered them both to cook breakfast, and she wasn't to lift a finger. So it was that he found himself cooking and Lucius helped him to cook a large continental breakfast for everyone. They all settled in to eat, and the banter around the dining room table was light and amusing, but there was something off about the bride to be herself, and it was that behind her smiles and laughter she was having doubts, and when the groom to be arrived with the groomsmen it became apparent to him that this budding marriage was a disaster waiting to happen. Lucius flashed him a look like, 'I told you so.' He understood then that the mission was to save this train wreck of a marriage before it started in the long run...