[ oncie debates his feelings to you after the intimate night you've both had ] • second part for "collide" as requested
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** post-greed oncie
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Onceler's POV:
I tried to comprehend the thoughts in my head, keeping my gaze fixed on the sleeping figure of y/n, resting so peacefully next to me. did we actually do this...? oh, no way.
I felt my brain getting completely consumed with a strange feeling weighing on me. as I took one more glance down at her, an uneasy feeling was obnoxiously present, though I wasn't sure why. I seemed to finally do something I had wanted for so long — so why did I feel a pit of anxiety? why did I feel as though it was wrong, a mistake?
y/n snuggled closer, lightly wrapping her hands around my arm, and suddenly, this made me the whole realization mercilessly hit my head. a pieces of previous night has effortlessly reflected in my brain, clarifying the fact I was in a high drunken state when the situation happened. I suddenly felt gross, like I had somehow forced her into this, and that she didn't actually want any of that. I bit my lip, feeling overwhelmingly terrible about what we had done. I began to get scared that when she woke up and recognized the situation, she would be disgusted, embarrassed, or anything else. that would give her every reason to not ever speak to me again, which I don't think I could ever handle.
the internalized fear was taking over even my logical thoughts, and was painting the moment in the worst way it could. I had felt nothing but shame, and the guilt was being unbearable at one thought of what I could've possibly done to her in the drunken state. there was no other way of putting it than to say I was disgusted with myself. It had nothing to do with her, but the unknownness made my anxiety grow further, as I rapidly scanned the room with my eyes in order to find my clothes.
landing my sight on the pants and underwear tossed right next to the nightstand, I carefully unwrapped y/n's hands from my arm, already longing for the warmth she was giving me. I quickly got up and put my clothes on, throwing the glance on the clock that visibly signaled it was morning by now. the annoying pain from hungover has been replaced with constant stress, as I looked back at y/n, furrowing my eyebrows at her in a pitiful expression. I felt extremely guilty for leaving her to wake up all alone, but the overflowing fear of her reaction was winning me over. pouting my lower lip, I grabbed on the doorknob, leaving the room in a fast pace.
walking down the hallway, I began feeling the emotions controlling over my heart again. I've always had a huge feelings for y/n, however due to the safety of both me and her I kept them away, shielding them with a big wall inside my heart. the emotions she made me feel were incompatible with anything else in the world, any sign of affection from her was worth millions more than any money or kind words from others I'd received. everything she did or said would ricochet and echo through my head, with my brain immediately depleting as much dopamine from the compliment or action as it could. and the thought of her possible reaction at the escalation of things so suddenly made me want to fall through the floor and disappear. it was frustrating to think of the worst, and my own insecurities that left me so long ago because of my one track mindset, seemed to be coming back again.
