The Tsar, The Princess And The Tailor

A Little Game

King Nikolai was unwell. Anyone who knew him just well enough could see it. Years of practice made it rather simple for him to feign seriousness and attention while he receded into his mind. The pain... The pain from the merzost was becoming unbearable. He resisted the urge to cry out, slipping into himself instead, withdrawing to the very corners of his mind so he could scream out to the silent dark in peace.

There were too many people relying on him. But he was desperate. So bad did it hit as it took over his flesh, causing mind-shattering migraines, that he had found himself glancing to Alina many times through meetings, urged by every inch of his failing body to beg her to remove the thing which lay waste within. As it strengthened in power, he could feel the creature weakening him. But he just knew that when the Fjerdan general came, if he got the chance, this could finally be it. The end of all the fighting.

The shadow being and its power, The Cut, could put him down in a single moment. Fjerda would never dare cross their lines again. They would live in fear of them. So crazed did the pain make him that he began to have fantasies about destroying the man who had deeply worsened the feud between countries. Perhaps the being within was trying to argue its case the only way it knew how. Or maybe he was just beyond delusions. Nikolai didn't know, anymore.

He couldn't ask for help. He couldn't move without feeling pain in his chest. He couldn't breathe without a stab to his heart. Every step was a call for suffering he did not truly deserve but this had to be the only way. Didn't it? Who would he be if he could not protect his kingdom? After all his family had done to ruin Ravka, if he was all they had left, how could he let his own legacy fall into ruin within such a short time?

He didn't want to be like them. He didn't want Genya to be right about not trusting him. He just didn't know what to do.

He was lost.

So utterly lost.

The only times peace slipped into his mind, even for a moment, were all spent with Ixora.

He couldn't deny his feelings any longer, nor did he know what to do with them. They grew along with the pain, leaving two sides of him in equal tandem on a daily basis. He wanted to leave rationality to itself and finally put the beast within his skin to use but he would remember her words. Nikolai didn't know how to feel compassion of any sort for the man who had brought so much ruin to the people of Ravka. But he would do him the kindness of hearing him out before he sliced him apart where he stood.

The meeting was finally over and Nikolai was working his hardest to keep his body's reactions at bay. Everything felt unbearable. Being alive seemed a constant torture, and yet, he had brought this upon himself the moment he made the decision to keep the monster. Perhaps a small price to pay for knowing that he had some small way to protect his people. So that the coronation, the battle that took away his old military friend, the amplifier that had taken pieces of his crew; nothing like that would ever happen again.

If this thing was supposed to make him feel safe, why was it ripping him apart from the inside?

Nikolai's internal howl of pain came out as the slightest whimper. He rose his eyes, worried someone had caught it but the room was empty - save Alina. She had been watching him, clearly... He began to wonder how long he had been away, stuck within his thoughts, laying insults upon his head as she drew near with brows knit from worry.

"Nikolai... You're my friend. You know that, don't you?"

"Alina-"

"One of the closest I have." Her voice was stern, yet gentle as she took his hand. He nodded his head, keeping it lowered, ashamed. An apology grew on his lips but he needed to know how much she had seen, what she thought and consider his strategy from there. It was the privateer way. "We're even engaged! Not truly but you get my point."