The Gotham Queen

Chapter 29

I'm walking the halls as I head to wear Ivy's cell is. I need to talk to someone or I'm going to lose my mind, and the voice in my head has disappeared. I need to talk to her, and it can't wait until our group session later in the day. I had wiped my lipstick off because I don't want to trigger Joker if he is in his cell. That would cause more problems than I already have. I need to get back to reality and stop dreaming of a future I can't have.

That starts with talking to Ivy about how I have to start actually doing my job. I've realized that I've completely abandoned it by not reporting anything I've spoken about with my patients. I need to explain that even though I am her friend, I need to actually do my job.

I need to forget about all my happy dreams of hanging out with Ivy and Cat when they get released. I need to stop daydreaming about Joker and what we could have. I need to accept that I will never get to be free and have my happy ending.

The thought of saying goodbye to it all kills me, and I have to force myself to not feel anything at all. I have to lock my emotions up tight, or I'll go into a meltdown here at work. If I do that, then I'll really lose my job and get locked up. In order to save myself, I need to say goodbye to my friends and go back to reality.

As I make my way to the Maximum-Security Wing, I pass by all the inmates in the Maze of Horrors. I've been calling it that since that fateful first day. However, unlike that day, I've heard nothing but silence. Well, silence from those who aren't screaming at the voices in their heads. But even they get quiet when I'm around.

In fact, when I look at someone, they immediately look away from me. No one will look at me, and I slow my speed walking to a casual stroll. Is this what it means to be Joker's property? To be Joker's?

Everyone is so afraid of him that they're doing everything to avoid me at all costs. I won't lie, I like this a lot. I smile at the thought of not having to deal with anyone, and at the blanket of comfort it brings. I love this feeling of being safe.

But you're about to say goodbye to it, remember?

I nearly trip over my feet as the voice in my head comes back, and I glare mentally at her. 'Where the hell have you been?' I ask her, and I feel her shrug her shoulders.

I wanted to see what you could do without me, and I had been very proud. Up until you got this stupid idea to say goodbye to your freedom and happiness. Why the fuck are you so content to live in hell?

'I'm not content about it at all. I just know the reality of the situation is that I will never get to be happy. No matter how far I come, something always comes my way to tear me back down.' I tell her and bite my lip as I force my emotions back down. I don't want to say goodbye to everyone, but I can't lose myself and this job either.

You lost yourself the minute you kissed him back. Now, all you have to do is embrace it. Let him help you fix yourself. He will help you.

I shake my head as I mentally tell her that I can't and go to open the doors to Ivy's cell block. However, I hear my name being called from behind me, and I turn to see Cash running up to me. I wonder what he wants.

Maybe Joker wants to see you again? Or perhaps it's some exciting news?

"Please, no." I mumble quietly to myself. "I've had enough excitement for one day." I wait for Cash to make over to me before smiling brightly at him. "Hey, Cash. How can I help you?"

"Warden Jones wants to see you in his office, but he wouldn't tell me why." Cash explains to me, and I nod my head, thanking him. I start to head straight to the Warden's office, but I have a bad feeling about this.