Head in the clouds

Thirty Four - Theo

I hated this. Listening to her cry in the bathroom when she thought she was alone, that spark in her eyes completely gone. This was a lot. The weight her mum had put on her shoulders at the prospect of losing them. I couldn't imagine having to cut off contact from my mum and Morgan was facing that choice right now but she wasn't talking about it. I'd spoken to Ava and apparently on their check in this morning she didn't even mention going to her mums or telling me about Jacob and now Ava was as concerned as I was. I didn't mean to. I just didn't know if this was normal whilst she was up here. Because she's been off from the moment her bag hit the hotel room. A little quieter since we got on the train but I put it down to her being tired. Now I was thinking it was all linking up.

I hoped the meal her aunt had suggested would cheer her up a little and honestly, it's like she's a different person around them. She seems to pull into herself a little but is louder too. There's a lot of banter between her and her cousins. Especially her and Cohen who are the closest in age. They were throwing ice cubes at each other most of the night which had me ducking out the way with his kid who thought it was hilarious. Layla rolled her eyes and said she wished Jake was there so she could have Morgan back and the table seemed to agree so I was guessing Cohen and Jake were similar personality types. It makes sense now why Morgan gets on so well with Noah. They're constantly laughing and play fighting and if that's what she misses most about her brother, she's going to sink into that. I hadn't seen her laugh as hard as she had tonight. Not with me. I'd gotten her close but not quite there.

"Morgan." I sighed, leaning over and unfastening her belt. "Come here." Pulling her from her seat, I pushed mine back and sat her on my lap. Parked up in the middle of nowhere just because I knew she needed my full attention right now and it couldn't wait.

Morgan wasn't one to open up about her emotions. She'd much rather process things quietly like she did in LA. When we sat on that beach and I was completely honest about her needing to take that break, she was practically silent for 2 hours. Just thinking. And I could see her thinking. Like she was now. Processing and just getting stuck in a loop. I wasn't sure what loop because there was so much going on but I had to get something out of her. Anything to make this easier for her right now.

"Talk to me princess," I tucked her hair behind her ear, keeping my voice low and quiet and calm. Her eyes fluttered shut, fingers playing with the hem of my tee-shirt. I could see her fighting on talking or not. "What's got you so upset huh? Let me help Morgan. I hate seeing you like this. I know there's a lot so just tell me one thing and we can go from there." She laid forward, eyelashes tickling against the skin on my neck and I pulled her a little closer.

"He loved our blonde hair." Her voice was frail and quiet, stopping my heart as my protective instincts kicked in.

"Jake?" She nodded. Score. Okay. Grief. We can handle that. I was silent for a second, gently rubbing her back as I tried to track her thought process. Taking just a moment to thank my mother's psychology degree for rubbing off on me over the years. "You don't feel like yourself with the brown hair because he only saw you with the same blonde hair you both had and you feel like you changing it is getting rid of something you guys shared?" She tensed under my hold and I knew I'd hit the nail on the head. Maybe I should have gone into psychology. "You can't erase someone who had such an impact on your life Morgan. He might not be here but that doesn't mean he didn't leave his touch on you in ways you'll never loose. You could dye you're hair fire truck red, put on a shit tonne of face paint and walk around in a clown costume. Doesn't mean you didn't grow up with him, make memories. Doesn't mean you don't miss him either. You're life doesn't have to stay how it was when he passed just because he's gone. You can carry on. You're allowed to move on. You know that right?" I could feel the small puddle gathering on the edge on my tee-shirt and I wanted to cry with her. "What else Morgan?" She sniffed and I pulled her up. "Come on baby, I know it's hard for you but you'll feel so much better after. I can start guessing if you want?" I cupped her face, wiping away slow falling tears with the pads of my thumbs. "Anxious about what your parents are going to say tomorrow?" She nodded, clenching her eyes tight as some of those tears fell a little quicker and I sighed.

"Why aren't I good enough for them?" I've never had my heart break so fucking quickly before. Not even with Veronica. Because I could hear that. I knew it was coming. But that. Her words cut me like a knife, sinking deep into my chest and twisting. If this was even a slither of what was hurting her right now, I don't know how she's held herself together for so long. Her silent tears turned into sobs and I pulled her back into me a hell of a lot tighter.

"I don't know baby. But you're more than good enough for me. And Ava and Noah. Your Auntie Sandra and Cohen and Layla. Rowan and Chloe and Sonny." I looked at the navigation system, trying to decide if I could safely get us back to the hotel without her having to leave my arms. It was only 5 minutes away. I can drive slowly. I need to get her into bed right now. With one arm up her spine, cradling the back of her head, I started the car again, driving carefully back to the hotel as she continued to cry into me. She needed to let this out and I could not stop her. Her lack of pockets meant I had her phone already in my pocket.

I parked up in our reserved spot, pushing the door open and holding her tight as I got us out the car.

"Hold tight Morgan babe. Nearly there." I tugged her dress down to cover her up a little more pushing the car door closed and locking it. I put the car keys in my pocket taking the room key out instead. By the time I started walking us back to the room, Morgan's cries had settled. Her arms wrapped around my neck. She lifted her head for a second before laying it sideways on my shoulder. "Feel a little better?" She nodded. "Good." I kissed her cheek quickly, waiting for the lift to arrive as I rubbed the bottom of her back. "Don't keep stuff like this locked up Morgan. Please. You can always come to me with it. I don't care where I am or where you are, I'll make it better okay?" She nodded, gently kissing my neck and sighing. Fuck her parents man.