Head in the clouds

Fourteen- Theo

"Just stand there and hold that. 2 seconds." I'd worked her out. Fear. Anxiety and fear of everything fuelled Morgan. Fear of not knowing, fear of things not working out, fear of disappointing people, fear of being underrated. She hid it well don't get me wrong. Her confident smile, her ability to change plans constantly at the drop of the hat. She acted so nonchalant about everything going on around her but I'd sussed it out. She didn't pick up on my questions yesterday leading me to that result. That I was specifically choosing them to work out who she was under the surface. So, I made a few discreet calls yesterday whilst she was occupied with a toilet trip and I'd made somethings happen I knew she was going to love.

I'd run them past Ava, obviously, and she said my plan was a great idea but reiterated about Morgan being serious about not dating. Apparently Ava and Noah have tried everything over the past 18 months and she just repeats the same answer to them. I told Ava that dating Morgan wasn't on my list of intentions right now but that she clearly needed a proper break and whilst her best friend was busy, I wasn't going to let her sit in a hotel room alone when there's literally LA out here for us to explore right now.

I laid out the blanket, taking the backpack out of her arms and pointing back at the blanket for her to sit. That cup of tea must have done the trick because there wasn't a single argument coming from her at the moment. Not when I made her walk 10 minutes from the car down to the beach, or when she realised it was going to be an uphill walk back to the car in an hour. If tea was all it took to get this girl to relax, I'd have had that kettle boiling all day yesterday.

"Okay. Here." I handed her some prepackaged fruit I'd bought last night after dropping her off. Ava had said she's fine if you keep her fed and watered. Kind of like a dog. Told me she's allergic to peanuts though which was really handy to know. Didn't need to kill the girl.

"Fruit?"

"We're getting breakfast after this but I brought snacks. No nuts though." She raised her eyebrows at me, shock across her face like makeup. "What?"

"Nothing." She shook her head as I sat down beside her. "Why are we on a beach at half 5?"

"For a Malibu sunrise Grumpy." I gestured to the sea starting to turn orange in the sunlight. "I found this place on my first trip here years ago. I was completely alone, didn't know anyone here and I hated not knowing what to do or who to talk to or anything. I lost the award that I was here for, nothing was really going to plan. So late one night I just started driving and as the sun was rising I got out and walked to the cliff, ended up sat down here." I shrugged, Morgan watching me intensely. "I come here on the last morning of my trips out here now, just a reminder of how far I've come from where I used to be. You need that sometimes right? To look back at what life used to be like so you can remember how much you wanted where you are now, how hard you worked for it."

"I hate looking back."

"Why?"

"Because I don't work for the me I used to be. I put the work in for future me. Like, me from 5 years ago, was working for me right now and I'm working for me 5 years down the line. A link that just kind of goes on forever."

"But if you're working for the future you, who's working for you right now?" Her eyes moved out to the shore and I knew I'd hit something. A wall she had built up that I didn't want to destroy, just give her a crack she could peek through. I didn't have much time left with Morgan Branning and if I wanted to keep her in my life as a friend, I had to show her right now that I saw through her the way she saw through me. One conversation with a slightly tipsy Morgan and she had me worked out. It might have taken me a little longer but I had her too. "You deserve to work towards right now too Morgan. Otherwise, you're just working for a future you won't get to see. If you're working for future you and future you is working for future you, where does that end? At what point to you get to enjoy all the work?"

"I do enjoy the work."

"Without worrying that someone else is going to throw it all off. Or that you're not where you should be, that you could do more, put out another album, do a longer tour, see more cities, have more fans. Without you telling yourself you're not good enough." She turned back to me, shaking her head but I could see the shimmer of tears, glistening across her eyes. "It's okay to step back a little you know? You don't have to prove yourself to anyone."

"I never said-"

"You have." I nodded. "Not outright no, but you have." She grabbed a chunk or watermelon and pushed it into her mouth before turning her head back to the shore. I let her have her moment in the silence. Taking my own time to reflect back on it all myself.

This year had been a shit one. Pretty much to the date, I was sat here with Veronica, talking to her about marriage and kids. I was over being so pent up about it all. I just wanted to move past it all now and get on with life. I hadn't been putting in half of the effort I could have been and I knew I wasn't doing my best recently. I'd lost my passion for it. Something had changed when Veronica did what she did and I had been struggling to put my finger on it but I think I had it now. It was hope.

Veronica had been my end game. I saw things lasting forever with her and when it ended I wasn't sure how to carry on. How to put myself back together or how to even look at someone else or if I could. I might not be doing this to get with Morgan or change her mind, but it was reminding me how much I loved this. How much I loved being with someone and dating and spending time with them, getting to know them for the first time. The hope of that, of someone new coming along eventually was enough to restore myself I think.

"Hey." I pushed Morgan's arm gently but she didn't shift. "Come here." I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into my side. "I didn't mean to upset you Morgan. Someone just needed to tell you."

"It's fine." She didn't move, just forced that smile back onto her face. "Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean." She pushed through the croak in her voice, fighting back on it until it returned to normal. I knew it had worked, she was avoiding it but I knew right then that one soft sentence had her looking at her whole life and I hoped she'd let herself relax a little for the rest of the day, I needed her to.