when a soul mates

Dean gets his turn

Dean has never experienced what being free felt like.

His whole life he listened to commands from his father, being drilled like a soldier and held hostage as often as he changed his underpants.

He had to give up his childhood so that Sammy had one, he gave up love multiple times so that the people he loved would actually live a carefree life. At least free from all the cares he had to give.

He had to move every few weeks or even days, what resolved in shutting people out, because if he would let someone close to him, he just had to leave them again.

He never experienced what consistency meant, there was never a home he could come to, never a routine that he could follow from day to day and no possibility to make himself a home. A domestic life.

He never felt peace in life. All he got was an abusive father, who never let him be just himself, not as a kid, not as a teen and not even as an adult. Punishing him for everything he did, for things not even John himself did right. Discipline him for playing with Sammy instead of teaching him the crossbow, for not getting fit enough to fight, even though it's been days since Dean properly ate something. Screaming at him when he nearly died and failed to kill the monster he was arming at.

But that was his life. His normal. He didn't know better because it's all he's known. His whole life.

The only good thing he had was Sammy and his car. To put these on the same level would be wrong, but Baby is the closest thing to steadiness and home he's ever had. And yes... he loved her. She was the first ever gift that actually belonged to him in a way he could really claim her as his that came from John.

It's a weird feeling to know that all you ever got at some point didn't belong to you anymore. John basically never bought any presents. That was a Dean and Sam thing, even though their presents were stolen stuff that they found stupid enough to gift their stupid brother. So whatever John got Dean, he knew he had to give it to Sam in a few years or even a few days.

Also, they were never really good gifts. Not like stupid figurines from magazines or ugly socks or horribly looking stuffed animals that Dean and Sam stole for each other. More like weapons or books or clothes that either were from John anyways or were specifically useful to hunt in.

So yes, Baby was special and he loved her.

Sam though, Sam was his light in life.

Dean raised him basically on his own and it was the hardest part of his life. Not because he wasn't good with kids, but because he was a child himself and had no idea what to do with him. Of course, he knew the basics, he was always eager to give Sammy his bottle to drink and he loved playing peek-a-boo just so he could see his little smile.

But there are things to raising a child that were devastatingly complicated. When Sam became sick for example and John tried to calm him down, but he failed miserably all the time. Dean was the only thing that made Sammy stop crying, healthy or not. But because he had a fever, he had to stay in Deans arms for days until he felt better. Curing a fever from a baby was especially hard, when there wasn't the opportunity of going to the doctor, because John said they weren't allowed to.

It was very difficult for a four-year-old to change diapers and cloth a baby in his jumpers, mostly because he was afraid, he couldn't handle the delicacy of a little humans body. What made it even worse, was the fact that he himself didn't even know how to handle himself. He couldn't cook and didn't really know the basics for himself on how to stay alive and every time he couldn't do exactly what John demanded of him, because he was just a confused little overwhelmed boy, he'd got screamed at. Or worse.