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273 words
May 2023
"I just feel the happiest I've ever been."
A lie.
"Like, my life just finally makes sense."
Another lie. Taylor's life doesn't make sense, she's not happy. But nobody noticed that. Just as they didn't notice the quiver in her voice, or how her eyes glassed over during 'Lover'. Her publicist noticed—it's her job to notice—and sometimes her dancers give her extra tight hugs.
The only people who truly knew enough to do more than just notice were Mom, Dad, and Blake to an extent. But that's it, only three people knew, it's best that way, she thinks.
Sometimes she even wishes she didn't know, wishes that she didn't feel like throwing up every time she got the "His team put out another statement" call. But mostly, she just wishes she didn't remember. She lies awake at night just thinking about what would have happened if she hadn't gone on tour, if he'd felt more comfortable with the spotlight. If she hadn't been Taylor Swift, maybe then she'd be in his arms right now.
But no.
Instead, she's curled up on the couch in her dressing room, cradling a bottle of water, and faintly overhearing her team rave about how awesome the show was while probably spiraling a little bit.
She just wants to be normal. She wants that feeling of normalcy that got ripped out from under her. It wasn't her fault, but maybe it was. Maybe if she'd just did what he wanted she wouldn't be in this position.
But there's always the option that maybe she'll find it again. Either on her own, or with someone else.
