Your eyes look like coming home

3

The first few weeks in Texas sucked. I was coming down again from the overdose and the months of using. I was also coming down from the year and a half of holding my breath. From walking on eggshells.

It's gonna take a lot longer than two weeks to get over everything. But I'm now just starting to feel safe. I don't clinch up every time someone looks at me, I can walk past a yelling man and not cry... I guess I'm getting better.

Tomorrow we meet the new team my dad brought together. I hope that I can make some new friends and family members... that I can try and let go of some of this weight.

My knee shook as I sat on the new couch in the living space of the station. I was nervous to meet this new team. My dad had been trying to get information out of me these past two weeks on why I OD'ed again. On why I was so jumpy. I always shook him off and ignored him. Just blaming my addiction on everything.

I met everyone, they all seemed very nice. It always starts that way though, people seem nice, seem perfect and then they hurt you. I swallowed a deep breath.

-

"Who's that?" I ask Paul who was flipping through a magazine.

I really liked Paul right off the bat. He's been fun to get to know over this past few days. Probably because he was in the lgbt community, being trans he was very accepting of me being gay.

"Carlos, he is friends with Michelle. Doesn't work here, not too sure anything else about him though." Paul replied

Carlos... the cute Latino boy was laughing with the paramedics team that we had just met out on a call. Michelle seemed so happy around him, they are probably together. He looked over in my direction and for the first time in almost two years, my stomach had butterflies.

"Go for it" Marjan said slipping down on the seat next to me.

"He's probably straight" i shrug.

She snorts laughing into her phone. "No babes, he's very gay."

Judd walks in and asks where the Cap was. We all kinda hush up, no one really knows what to think of him yet. He's the only one who survived the tragedy that happened here last year. He was still going through a lot of ptsd. He also was born and raised right here in Austin. So he really didn't fit in with the whole bipoc, lgbt, group my dad put together. Plus his presence scared me. He was a large, loud guy. He had a good set of muscles and I was no way attracted to him, I was terrified of him. He could easily toss me around, hit me. My hands were shaking and Marjan noticed.

"Hey? Tk you okay?"

"Tk?" Paul asked also

Marjan put her hand on my shoulder and my whole body jumped back.

"Sorry" I said realizing it was her. "I'm okay"

My panic attack still very much alive in my chest, I went back to staring at the floor. I didn't want to look them in the eyes.

"Hey guys, I wanted to stop in before shift and meet you all" I heard from behind me.

His voice cooed me out of my head and I looked back to him.

"I'm Carlos" he smiles holding his hand out to me.

My shaking hand meets his, his touch was like butter.

"Tk, Strand" I whispered

"Oh the famous captains son I've been hearing about" 

"Guilty" I smiled back

He went over and introduced himself to the others. Then dad called a meeting to fill us in about some things.

-

Over the next two weeks I talked with Carlos more and more.

"After work, I was wondering if you'd like to get dinner?" He asked me as we walked into the station.

I still wasn't sure what he did, he never brought it up.

I stopped in my tracks. It's been so long since I dated. Since I was even taken out on a loving date. Most of the "romantic" things Alex did were to make up for a really bad abuse night. I don't know if I was ready for a date. What if he's just like Alex and is being nice to me until I get out of line.

"Tk I'm sorry, I shouldn't have put you on the spot" Carlos apologized

"No, it's not that. I just left a.. a relationship. I don't know if I'm ready to date" I tell him.

"Then let's go get dinner as friends? Nothing romantic. I promise."

I agree. I couldn't say no to his sweet puppy dog eyes.

sweet brown eyes. The same color of brown as Alex's eyes. A flash of him smacking me played in my mind. I rushed into the bathrooms and threw up. My dad standing at his locker eyeing me over.

"Tk are you okay?" he asked

I nod and took off to get into uniform. Today was going to be a long day.

I was right. The first bell went off almost immediately. Some lady caught her kitchen on fire, luckily no one was hurt she just inhaled some smoke so the paramedics transported her to the hospital. And stupid calls like this kept us busy all day.

After a bit of overtime on the last call I finally got out and was able to tell Carlos I was on the way to the address he sent me.

'See you soon' his text replied

I was so nervous about him, I didn't know what to think. He said it's just as friends. I can have a friend. I'm allowed friends.

I pulled up to the Buffalo Wild Wings that he sent me too. Glad this was a friend outting, I'd be pissed If this was a date. He waved me over.

"Hey sorry, we got stuck on a call" I told him.

"It's fine, I thought I'd be the one getting stuck at work"

I smiled, I really wanted to hear about his job but he didn't like talking about it. He asked me about the calls we were on today. Nodding along, us working on a order of wings together. We started to talk about his life a little. How his dad was a Texas ranger. That must be scary, having such a serious and strong man like that as a dad. I told him about growing up in New York.

"I always wanted to go to New York"

"Everyone says that, until they live there"

He laughed. His laughter was so calming. I relaxed my shoulders.

"So you just left a relationship? Was it serious?"

I froze. My hands started fidgeting, and I picked at the corners of my nails. Just nodding. Mostly nodding to the background music that played. But hoping he didn't ask anything else. I pry my eyes up to his again. His face looked so worried, and he stuttered on what to say.

"Listen, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. We don't have to talk about it"

"Thank you" I forced myself to say.

I saw Carlos fighting the urge to say something, do something, we finished up the evening with taking about better things. Fun things to do in Texas. What his childhood bedroom looked like, anything except for the past year or so.

As we finished the food, I paid for half of it. we started walking to our cars. I thanked him for the good times and turned towards my car. His hands reached down and gripped my forearm spinning me back towards him slightly.

I jumped back and pulled my arms to my face.

"I'm so sorry pleas-" I stoped myself

It was just Carlos, I think he just wanted to say goodbye or hold my hand or something... not hit me. I relaxed my shoulders and looked into his frightened eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm gonna go" I hurried to my car

Damn triggers. I just need a vest like those shelter dogs wear. 'Nervous! please don't touch!'
I started crying in my car. I couldn't let anyone hold me, touch me anymore. My own dad tries to hug me and I still stop breathing excepting way worse. Now I'm scaring Carlos away.