Your eyes look like coming home

4

Carlos the past few days has been avoiding me like the plague. I feel like shit. I ruined my chance at even being his friend. I got into the station ready for another long day. Then I saw him. He was here chatting up Mateo and Michelle.

"Hey Tk! Can we talk... in private" he asks as soon as he saw me.

I agree, getting scared and following him up the stairs.

"I just wanted to tell you, I'm so sorry" he began.

"What, I'm the one who should be sorry, I scared you off" I shook my head at him.

"No, I was the one who scared you. If it's about you having a addiction history, don't worry. It doesn't matter to me"

I stopped. How... how did he know.

"How'd... you know that..." I began shaking again.

He sighed, letting his smile drop "I'm a cop... I might have looked you up, but Tk"

He reached out to touch me

I pulled away and took three huge steps back. No. No. No. he's a cop... he knows Alex. He.. he entered me into his system... Alex. Alex is gonna find me.

"He's gonna find me. What... did you do.. no. He's... he's gonna find me" I start mumbling out loud.

My right hand starts rubbing my left arm. A automatic self soothing motion that happens to me a lot. Carlos goes to take my hand. Trying to calm me down and comfort me.

"Don't fucking touch me" I yelled. I didn't want to be touched. Not now, not by him especially.

"Hey Tk it's okay, who's gonna find you? Are you worried about a old dealer? I can protect-" he started talking and walking towards me again.

"I said, don't touch me. You've done enough. Go away." I shout again, sobbing already.

He stands there for a moment, wanting to say something but he doesn't, and then leaves. I fall to the floor and proceed to have the worst panic attack of my life. I don't know how long I was on the floor but the next thing I realize, Michelle and Nancy were holding my hands.

"Shit I'm sorry." I say pulling back my hands. "I'm good"

"Your not good, you were in a hysterical panic attack for fifteen minutes before we could pull you out of it." Nancy said

"I'm fine, don't touch me" I yanked away and took off to the locker rooms.

Carlos was still here, though now he was dressed for work. The cop uniform sent a cold chill down my spine. He probably was paid off by Alex. Alex always said he had friends everywhere. He always told me that I couldn't escape him. I couldn't leave him because he would find me. It would be a matter of a few days, to a few weeks before Alex found me again. Another few tears ran down my cheeks. After I was changed my dad asked what happened.

"Nothing. I'm good" I said scoffing past him

"Tk if you are using again"

"I'm not. God I wish I was. I wouldn't be having panic attacks if I was dad" I snapped at him.

-
The past four days I've been watching over my shoulder at calls. I've been jumping every time I hear a door bell. I've refused any touch. Even when Mateos hand grazed mine grabbing some popcorn out of a bowl I almost cried. The whole team could see right through me, knowing something was very wrong. They all tried to ask me what was going on, tried to help me out. Marjan was probably the only one I trusted to touch me right now. She would hold my hand and massage it during panic attacks. My dad is forcing me to go see one of the work therapist starting today. I didn't want to talk, I couldn't talk. Not if I was about to be back in that relationship.

-
I sat on the stupid gray couch. I reached out for a kids fidget toy as a lady came into the office.

"Hi there Tk! My names Faith." She smiled at me.

I trusted her a bit, a slightly older woman maybe about moms age. Another person for me to disappoint in life.

"Hi" i said messing around with the cube toy in my hand.

"So your captain said you had a bad day the other day? Want to tell me about that?"

"I'm a addict getting over a over dose high. It was just a panic attack." I replied shrugging.

She wrote down something. I said something wrong.

"Why'd you overdose, what triggered that?"

I sat up straighter. My hands trembled.

Tick

Tick

Tick

My eyes fixated to her clock behind her. My chest pounding.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

I turned over and threw up in her trash can. The way he laughed at me. Sobbing on the floor to not be beat. The way he laughed at me when he was done using me that night after he came... the way he pulled me out of the bed. Leaving me to clean up after... after raping me.

I know we were married but I didn't want to have sex with him, and it wasn't the first time it was like that. But that night was so terrible. The clock was the only thing that kept me grounded during those times. He expected sex just because we were together, consent wasn't a word he knew. And now it's only a matter of time till he finds me again.

"I can't do this" i shutter.

I dropped the toy and walked out.

She got up and met me in the hall

"Please Tk, we don't have to talk about the overdose yet. You brought it up so I assumed you wanted to talk about it."

Something pulled me back into her office. The way her eyes lit up, it reminded me of my high school therapist. She was the one who helped me come out, to realize that it was okay for me to be gay. After a few moments of dead silence, just still listening to the clock. Word's finally pushed through my lips.

"He hit me. A lot"

"Who? Your capt- dad I mean?"

"God no, my husband" I said. It felt too real saying out loud. Saying it makes it true. "I know, I'm lame. I should have fought back. I'm a guy damnit"

"Tk there's no one picture to a victim of domestic abuse. You said hit, not hits. Have you gotten away from him?"

I nod. Telling her that he was back east. Then I explained how this guy that I was becoming friends with. That he was a cop and looked me up to try and find out why I was so jumpy. That Alex was a cop and he will know where I am. That it's only a matter of time before he finds me again.

"You have a great support system now here in Texas. I'd highly recommend telling at least one person, someone that you can turn to if somehow he does find you." Faith told me.

I just nod.

"it's not your fault, and it's NOT OK that he did this to you, you are so strong" she told me.

I left her office, promised to be back next week. Biting at my cheeks on the drive home. Thinking about what she said the whole day.