"you died!"

at times

i feel i do still confuse you as a lover

my lover

while i know thats not true,

and may very well never be again

and maybe i still expect to check my phone,
seeing a notification from you
a hi
or

i love you

that wont happen again.
never soon
never while i still am who

or rather what
i am

sometimes i wish these confusions away
and my head is clear for just a minute more
before returning to noise

and sometimes i linger

i wish for this to be true again
and i sit in my longing for what couldve been
i watch my phone
hoping and hoping
imagining
checking again and again

i love you

do i really want that? again?

i want you

not again, but for a moment
for a different time

still us

but so vastly different