Stay Away

questions

"Jaimie?" Kelley questions as I pale. This will have to be cut out of the episode. "Everything okay?" I nod, though I doubt it convinces her. She continues anyway. "You just seem like you'd like that kind of player. Wait – you actually used to play, didn't you?"

Oh.

"I played before Fleur did."

I panicked for no reason. Because why would anyone suspect Leah and I to be... what Leah and I are? I am used to the dating rumours surrounding my personal life because it comes with playing sports and being a woman, but I have been more or less off my phone of late. Discreetly, while Kelley asks a few more questions that require mindless answers, I scroll through the usual gossip columns that my name appears in, sighing in relief as I see the names of a few Lakers players I could possibly have been visiting when I stopped over in LA before the WTA Finals. I had expected to be spotted. It was pure luck to not have been photographed with Leah.

Kelley finishes up and I pack away my set-up in preparation for the move to my gate. I will be home soon, and then I can sit down with Mumma and piece my life back together as though I had not temporarily escaped to Austria with a woman whose place in my life is unclear. They must have thought I was doing some sort of intense detox before the start of the season – something Juan has made me endure one or twice after particularly interesting breaks. This was pre-therapy.

The wild panic I felt earlier stays with me as I board the plane, engulfing my cabin with a haze of worry that prohibits me from enjoying the film I have selected to pass some time on the flight. They serve breakfast, and I find it troublesome to swallow with a rock of guilt lodge at the back of my throat. Juan and I call to discuss my return, arranging hitting partners and coaching sessions, along with amending the usual jet-lag programme to fit New Year's. While it is too close to the beginning of the season for me to drink until I am paralytic, I have a duty to my family to do a shot or two (or five) and entertain the younger members of the family. Children love me and I love them.

Removed from the bliss of our secret trip to Austria, I have time to process what happened. Scarlett, who was an extra little sister, is now dead, and my sister has been comforted by everyone but me. Why? Because I was distracted? I was preoccupied? I had my hands full? I should never be too busy for Fleur, though the thoughts concerning her were dust in my mind the minute Leah had entered with an equal weight of grief pushing her into the ground.

I am a bad sister.

I am also going against everything I have sacrificed for this life. If not for the lonely nights and tears and 'we have to talk's, I would not be sitting in such luxury, basking in such success. There would be no 'tennis star, Jaimie de Voss'. Relationships are not very compatible with my life. Leah should not want to waste her time with me. (But she does.)

Glancing out the window as we steadily glide above the clouds, I see the reflection of a smile. A rarity. Obviously, I smile, but not often with blushing cheeks and a shine in my eye that glistens with a sickening look of love. Fucking hell.

I think we have done the steps backwards, because everything but a date has been checked off the list. And she is not my girlfriend. How that has happened is a mystery, because we have exchanged 'I love you's, but alas. Some things in life are just complicated.

Mumma picks me up from the airport with a grin and a long hug. She misses me when I go away. Fleur and her did not necessarily fall out, but they are far from close, and so she effectively only has one daughter (as the other resides in the other half of the world and rarely expresses a desire to visit or be visited).

"You look happier," she comments once I have uploaded a photo of the sunset to my story to announce my return to my followers. It is an important part of building the hype for the start of the season, and, more importantly, the first Grand Slam of the year. "You were heartbroken when you left, but now you seem more at peace. Are you over her or with her?"