Alexithymia

Longing for lost love

How are you doing tonight? Are you asleep? Usually by this hour, you're already asleep if you're not watching or reading. I used to like watching you sleep through our call, but now it's just a painful memory. We weren't perfect together, but we did our best, and it worked, but yeah, it didn't work in the end. Our love didn't prevail. I still miss you, and I always stop myself from messaging you because I know no matter how much I beg or apologize to you, it won't be the same because you won't be coming back.

I don't remember how long it has been since I heard you call out my name. I don't remember how you used to call me. I don't remember the last time we said that we loved each other. I miss those times that we had, and I cry just to torture myself with how I feel. I want you to come back even though I know you won't. I noticed that you stopped reading my letters/poems that I write for you here every day, or maybe it was someone else, and I just thought that it was you. Either way, I'd always write something for you here because that's what I promised to do.

I hope you feel better than I am. I still love you, Yeisha. It's been difficult moving on without you. There's a void in my life that I can't seem to fill. I've tried distracting myself, keeping busy, but the memories of our time together keep flooding back. It's hard to accept that our relationship had its flaws and ultimately couldn't withstand the challenges we faced.

I often wonder if things could have been different. If we had tried harder, communicated better, would we still be together? These questions haunt me, but I know dwelling on them won't change the reality. We had our share of good moments, but they're overshadowed by the pain of losing you.

Writing these letters and poems has become a way for me to cope with my emotions. It's a release, a catharsis. Even if you're not reading them, it helps me express what I'm feeling. I find solace in the act of writing, pouring my heart out onto the pages, even if it's just for myself.

I know I can't force you to come back, and I understand that you may have moved on. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but I have to accept it. Life goes on, even when it feels like it's standing still. I wish you happiness, even if it's without me. That's the least I can do, as painful as it is.

So tonight, as I write these words, I want you to know that you're still in my thoughts. Despite the pain and longing, I hope you're doing well. Maybe someday, the wounds will heal, and the memories won't hurt as much. Until then, I'll continue to cherish what we had, even if it's now just a bittersweet memory.