Fire and Ice

•58•

Part of Kate hated every second of telling Bucky about Ryan. Part of her hated the way she described it, the words she said, the fact that she couldn't look Bucky in the eyes the whole time. But the other part of her was releasing more and more tension with every word she said. Her hands and chest began to cool. The oncoming explosion just dissipated. Once it was gone, she couldn't talk about it anymore. She was afraid she would tell Bucky the whole truth; that she was thinking about Ryan... because she was thinking about Bucky. Because she's coming to terms with the fact that she thinks she has feelings for him.

She forgave Ryan years ago. She let go of the anger for the whole situation, she was able to think of Ryan in happy memories from that moment on. And when she thought of the bad one, she let go of the anger all over again, and it became easier and easier every time. But that isn't to say she's let go of Ryan. She thought she had, but now, thinking about Bucky, her feelings, makes her feel guilty. Like she's cheating or something.

She hasn't really thought about anybody romantically since Ryan. That one date with Sam, which she has committed to forgetting, was a fluke. Dipping a toe in water that turned out to be the Arctic Sea. She didn't even have romantic feelings for Sam, she just didn't want to hurt his feelings (and thought he was attractive, okay) and thought it was high time she got over Ryan. Obviously, she wasn't ready. She never thought about when she would be because it didn't seem relevant.

Now it is. And she doesn't know if she's ready. Not that it matters, because Bucky, even if he remotely has feelings for her, probably isn't ready either.

Standing in front of her projections, she takes a deep breath, tries to focus instead of letting her mind race. Bucky left last night, after an uneventful dinner. Kate tried to shed the guilt and anxiety to participate in conversation, tried to be present.

From across the lab, Shuri speaks up. "Hey, Lab B just sent me a message that the anesthetic for Bucky is coming along. Let's go look at it."

Kate follows her out, heading to the other lab, where they kept Bucky when he was under Cryo. "Why didn't you have it developing in here?" Kate asks.

"That lab is more equipped for experimentation with chemicals."

"Then why am I not in that lab? You know, aside from the fact that I'm not really supposed to wander the citadel... too much."

"We've been doing important things in our lab." Shuri sighs softly. "And no offense, but you've been so spacey and distracted lately, I don't exactly want you handling potentially dangerous combinations of chemicals."

"That's fair," Kate mumbles.

In Lab B, they have a large flask of clear liquid ready for inspection. They've analyzed and tested their apparently latest concoction — how much has Kate missed in the past couple days? — that Shuri explains to Kate.

"My sort of 'mock ups' and designs for this have focused mainly on preventing pain. It should make him drowsy, too, but we'll have to run it through his IV continuously and fast enough that his super soldier body can't process it fully. At the same time, I was thinking about Cryo technology. If we put him in the Cryo chamber, obviously we can't do surgery on the nerves in his arm. I need him on my sand table for that. So, I had this mask made-" someone hands it to her, and she shows it to Kate "- to pump a form of Cryo gas into his nose and mouth to keep him asleep."

Kate takes the mask; it's like a dentist's mask almost, like the one they'd use for laughing gas when filling cavities. Kate had one cavity when she was eleven, when she had braces. It was not a fond memory.

"That sounds smart," she says. "So I guess we'll need to weigh him and everything to calculate how much and how fast we should run the anesthesia through the IV?"