[Warning: Kate experiences intense anxiety in this section.]
Sam doesn't take too long to find Kate; she chose a set of two chairs in the alcove behind the bar, a little table between them. Her warm hand shakes as she takes the cool water, but she isn't sure if he notices.
"So... you come here often?" he jokes, trying to ease some tension.
Kate chuckles, but she can't muster much more. She wishes she could, tries to tap back into what she once had, that easy ability to just banter. The fun of the back and forth. But all she can see is his face. She takes a drink, trying to make it go away, but then she's just washed in guilt. "To be fair... I'm usually training or in the lab, so... not really."
"You never take a break, do you?"
She shrugs. "Don't have the time."
"You do now," he counters. "Mission's over. You can get back to stuff you really want to do."
"All of that is... in the lab."
He chuckles, then thinks a moment. "You said you might go back to teaching classes earlier. What was that about? You used to teach?"
She drinks more water, tries to keep her hands still. "Yeah, I was a professor. Just... a few intro classes here and there."
"I can only imagine you as a professor."
"Wh-What, you don't think I can teach?"
"No, I just think you'd be the hardest grader ever and give out the longest, most comprehensive tests in the whole department." He laughs.
She shrugs again. "My st-students seemed to like me — to a degree."
"Well, I'm sure you explained the material well. You know, to balance all the rest out."
"That's the goal." She drinks more water, draining the glass without meaning to. What next? They've exhausted this subject, surely. What should she ask him? All she can think about is Riley, and that is for sure a no-go. Why is this so hard?
"You want some more water?"
"S-Sure. Thanks."
He takes her glass and walks off, and Kate shakes out her hands, wiping them on her dress again, trying to cool them down. She moves her hair, shifts in her seat, tries to think. What is there to talk about? How does this work? How many times will she have to do this before it doesn't feel so awful anymore? Would it even be worth it?
"Here you go," Sam says, passing her the glass again. He sits back down, and Kate puts the water on the table, determined not to practically guzzle it this time.
"So... So you, um, you were in the military? Sp-Speaking of... past jobs..." she tries.
He nods. "I was. Pararescue. It's a lot of work and training, but I was good enough to get picked for the wings."
"I'll-I'll bet." She starts playing with the hem of her dress, trying to give her hands something to do.
He chuckles. "The first time I saw them, I couldn't believe it. It was a total test run; I thought I was gonna fall out of the sky..."
Kate meets his eyes, watches his mouth move, hands gesturing as he tells the story. But she can't stay focused, the knot in her chest tighter than it's ever been, guilt welling up as her heart beats faster. The back of her throat starts to burn, like she's going to throw up. This isn't getting better — it's getting worse. How can she do this a second time? A third? Why did she even try at all? How could she do this?
"Kate, are you okay?" Sam suddenly asks.
She looks at him for a moment. She never likes to answer that, but now? "It... It's questions like that make me wish I was a good liar..."

YOU ARE READING
Fire and Ice
FanfictionEver since she was little, Kate Carson's favorite thing to do was learn. And, after losing nearly everything and gaining a power she never wanted, she had to learn to adjust -- and she's still learning. The other Avengers have no scruples against fo...