To Astrid, With Love

13

Astrid

2006, January

"I guess that's a better side to look at.. how come you've been so positive after all of that happened to you? I mean, when I'm upset, it always almost clearly shows." I asked him so curiously.

He shrugged, "I honestly don't know. Even I'm amazed that I'm able to go through this every single day. I mean, you'd think I have it all sorted out, but nope. Everyday I worry. Everyday I think about what kind of future there is for me, for my mother and sister, you know?"

I nodded along as he kept on talking.

"I mean, yeah. It does get tiring. I'm just thankful that I have them, but at the end of the day, the happiness I felt, it's as if it's being robbed from me. I get so afraid to be too happy at times. Sometimes, I do feel like giving up but I just can't because I know I still have people to support, people who trusts me to be better than my loud and evil thoughts." he kept trying to blink away the tears that was forming in his eyes.

I didn't know what to do, honestly. I mean, this wasn't the first time that I had someone open up to me about their feelings, but this is the first time that someone I genuinely liked shared their thoughts and emotions to me. I'm too afraid to say something, that might be wrong and worsen his feelings. Hell, I also didn't want him to think that I didn't empathize with what he was feeling. This is hard.

"Astrid?" Matt called out, sounding a little stuffy.

"Sorry," I whispered, sadness showering all over me. "Sorry that you had to experience all of those alone. Sorry that you had to endure those emotions to yourself."

"I told you, stop saying sorry. It's not our fault our parents made these mistakes." He looked at me straightly in the eye.

"I know, it just..." I trailed off,

"Sucks? Yeah." He finished my sentence.

I laughed lightly and nodded, breaking eye contact with him and looking down.

"I won't be like that when I marry." He said quietly. "I won't be like our dads. I'll be good to my wife, to my daughter and sons. I won't make the same mistakes they did."

I looked up to the sky and gave out a soft sigh.

"Yeah, just don't make empty promises. You'll be a great dad..."

"...and a husband." I smiled softly at him.

-

"Hi, honey. Did you sleep well?" I heard mom talk from the kitchen as I went down the stairs.

"Kinda." I nodded and sat on one of the stools facing her.

The house feels so empty.

She put the ladle down after mixing something on the pot and turned to me, "Is something bothering you, honey?"

I sighed deeply and asked her the question straightly, "Is dad ever coming home?"

The warmth in her eyes disappeared for a second, seemingly taken aback by the question, as if she wasn't expecting me to ask it so openly to her.

She forced her lips into a frail smile, but before she could answer, I stopped her.

"You know, mom, don't worry, don't answer that. That was stupid of me to ask." I stood up from the chair.

"Honestly, honey, I'm not even sure if you're dad's coming back." Mom answered shakily. "Don't worry, you'll still have me." She said, trying to choke back the tears, as I did too. Good thing my back was facing her because I felt the tears falling down any minute now.