The Silent Desire

Chapter VIII - Back to The Roots

'Why?' - If I had to put my actions, thoughts, and decisions under one integral and unchanging motivation, it could only be described by this simple word. Philosophers from ancient Greece have used humanity's curious nature and the drive to understand and deconstruct the meaning behind the reality and universe to fuel the fire of knowledge.

Indeed the question of why was powerful and essential in seeking enlightenment and understanding of ourselves and the outside environment. If one could consequently follow along with the trail of unending 'whys', then the destination would be the meaning and the reasoning of the word itself - essentially a question of - why is there why?

Many brilliant thinkers and philosophers could reflect and debate on the subject, but for me the reasoning was simple - It allowed me to successfully survive the White Room, the more curious I was, the more I wanted to satiate that curiosity and push myself, and whatever resource or reasoning made me even tiny bit better than others in my generation, meant that I had better odds of coming out on top.

Certainly, I could not deny my natural curiosity about the world, especially because I was stuck in a pond while being fed food from the ocean. It would be natural to think that a confined experiment would long for freedom, but such a thing never even occurred to me. How could I truly desire the ocean, if I only knew about it from the teaching of the White Room? The intrinsic desire for freedom was killed by myself because the desire for it would be useless for survival.

A person born blind can only miss the idea of seeing, of witnessing the world through the lenses that can never perceive the world around us. But a person that has once seen and then turned blind would have already experienced the wonders of having eyes, therefore their grief of losing functioning retinas would be real, tangible, and not a mere delusion or what if.

With Matsuo's help, I finally witnessed the ocean both figuratively and literally. I did not think that such a reality would be able to shake my heart and I was correct, I did not feel much apart from being content and satisfied for sating my inquisitiveness. While the limited freedom I had experienced was a novel occurrence for a lifelong confined person like me, it was not so groundbreaking to shatter or alter my worldviews.

I was trying to build Ayanokoji Kiyotaka that would leave behind the legacy of White Room, but such an ordeal would take much more than experiencing freedom. Horikita's, no Suzune's - 'I had to get used to calling her that way' - warm and pleasant presence was another calculated step in building up my normal and new self. I expected that she would not be the person whose cold heart I would break through easily, but color me surprised, my calculation was not correct.

Taking the initial step in fixing the relationship with her brother, and giving her wise advice albeit in morally questionable ways about her brusque attitude were decisions that progressed my relationship with her efficiently and quickly. The final nail in the coffin was delivered by the fact that a similar attitude was shared between Horikita Manabu and me. Because Suzune was pressured by equal forces from two sides, she finally gave in, and being vulnerable with her new self and isolated from her classmates, she latched onto the only hope and light that was visible in sight - me.

While the outcome was predicted and very much desirable, its time of delivery was miscalculated, not that I was complaining. Sharing warmth and trust (even if one-sided from her) with a girl was any teenage boy's desire, even I could not deny that the feeling was very peculiar and new, yet comforting and pleasant. If only this excitement was not confined to the physical domain but also breached the sensual and emotional side of me, because while I found Suzune's proximity and dependence on me exciting, it did not shake my heart one bit.