Damaged goods // T.Kaulitz

Guilty

I led in my hospital bed and waited for the nurse to come with my meds and hopefully test results. They always seemed to take forever.

"Katherine Guerra?" A nurse came in.

"Yeah..." I sat up and looked over, "Also please don't call me Katherine..."

"Alright! What do you want me to call you?" She smiled, sitting beside me and passing me a cup with a pill.

I took it and placed the pill in my mouth, washing it down with water. I opened my mouth to show I swallowed it and she nodded.

"Keira...if that's ok..." I sighed.

"Yeah of course! So I'm Dr Whitlock! I'm a psychologist here!" She introduced.

"A psychologist? Another one?" I laughed, "How many are they gonna make me see?"

"I'm not too sure...the main thing is that we find ways to help you cope with everything in a healthy way!"

"They said that last time...it didn't work if you didn't notice..." I shrugged my shoulders.

"How old were you when you first started harming yourself?" She tilted her head mad held her clipboard in her lap.

"I don't know...thirteen maybe..." I played with my hands.

"Thirteen? That's young...what was going on?"

"My dad...he uh..." I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"What did he do?"

"He gave me a lot of shit growing up...and I just snapped" I lied.

"Keira if you aren't honest then I can't help you..."

The truth is that I don't want to be me. Why couldn't I have been born into a rich, happy family, in a nice neighbourhood.

"Help me how? You gonna shove me into a psych ward again? Put me on a shit ton of meds? Cause you know damn well that didn't work last time!" Tears formed in my eyes, "Fucksake these meds!!" I wiped the tear from my cheek.

"You're feeling normal emotions Keira...the nurses you had before mentioned how you would bury your emotions and stop yourself from feeling them altogether...this is what we're trying to avoid so it's good that you feel like this!"

"How is it good if I feel like I want to kill myself again?" I sighed.

"Because you're feeling what you need to feel...when you used to push your emotions down, the nurses said you would do nothing but lie in your bed, you wouldn't speak, eat or even get up...this would cause you to get angry when something goes wrong...that isn't healthy..."

"Really? I didn't notice that...thanks..." I rolled my eyes.

"So how do you feel now? With everything going on?" She sat up a little straighter and leaned forward.

"Guilty..."

-Bill's pov-

I came around the corner to see Keira but when I opened the door to her room she was talking with a nurse. As I was about to leave I heard them speak.

"About your father?" The nurse tilted her head.

"What? Fuck no...about Tom..."

"What about Tom?" The nurse seemed nice and gentle with her, better than the other nurses Keira has described having in the past.

"It was my fault...everything has been...I keep fucking things up for the people I get close with..." There was a crack in Keira's voice which made my heart break, "And this time they're in the hospital holding onto life..."

It wasn't her fault in anyway. She didn't do anything, it was all our father's fault.

"How have you been coping after the incident? I know you're in the hospital and all that but is there something keeping you from snapping?"

"Bill..." She sat up, still not noticing me in the corner.

"Bill? Tom's brother?"

"Mhm..." She nodded.

"How so?"

"He's a great friend...a great person in general to be honest. I'd be dead right now on multiple occasions if it wasn't for him..."

"What kind of occasions?"

"I was being chased by a gang...he pulled me aside and hid me while they went by...if they found me they would've killed me...that was over a year ago...he also made me promise not to kill myself...that kept me going as I broke down...uhm...he held off Kaulitz when I was in the basement, he refused to kill me like his father demanded even if it killed him..." She bit her lip.

"So he did all that for you? Do you know why? I'm aware you're both from rival gangs? Gangs that kill the other with no hesitation?"

"He's a good person...he says he isn't but he is..."

"Is there anything else keeping you from snapping?"

"Tom...I know I seem like my whole life is surrounded by these two boys and maybe it is but they are keeping me here...same with Georg and Gustav, I know im not as close with them but they're like my family! They're more family to me than my own blood..."

"Family isn't always blood...speaking of family, have you spoken to your mother?"

I could see Keira starting to get annoyed, she doesn't this thing with her mouth where she pressed her tongue against her cheek.

-Keira's pov-

"No" I shook my head and looked up at the woman, noticing Bill in the doorway, "I don't she'll come see me anytime soon..."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? I fucking killed her husband..." This woman was really starting to annoy me, "How many questions do you have left?"

"We can stop if you want! I'm just here to help you talk about it!" She smiled.

"Ok yeah I'm done...I want to go to sleep..." I led back.

"Ok! It was nice talking to you!" She beamed, standing up.

"You too..." I nodded, watching her leave.

"You doing alright?" Bill walked in and sat where the nurse previously sat.

"I want to go home..." I pushed my hair back.

By home I meant the studio, somewhere I've felt at home more than where I grew up. I wanted to be there with the band, Ariana or Finley. I just didn't want to be here.

"I know..." He placed his hand on my arm.

"How's Tom looking?"

"He seems to be getting better...his heart rate is stronger than this morning..." He smiled slightly which made me copy him.

"Thank god..." My voice cracked a little again as I felt happy tears come through, "I'm done with these meds I swear to god" I laughed.

"I find to adorable!" He teased.

"Shut up you freak!" I nudged him back a little and laughed.

"God how you gonna react when he does wake up..." He smiled.

I stared at him with a smile, "You said when..."

Throughout this he tried his best to not get anyone's hopes up. He would say 'if he wakes up' and not 'when he wakes up'. I think it was mostly for him so he wouldn't be as sad or angry if Tom didn't wake up.

"Yeah well...might as well..." He said softly.