Lilly & Leclerc ~ [CL 16]

39. Monaco

Sunday 26th May 2023

There are tears running down my cheeks.

Happy, joyful and hot tears which are made of complete pride and a tinge of regret. When Charles lifts the trophy over his head I gasp with excitement, joy and simultaneous  grief. Maddie reaches for my hand, Soph wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

He won.

He's won Monaco.

Charles Leclerc has finally won the Monaco Grand Prix.

"He did it!" I cheer, my hand clamping over my lips in glee because even from a distance I might be Charles's biggest supporter. The joy that I feel now is almost equal to the despair that has constantly made itself at home in my chest.

"He did it!" Soph echoes at my side springing to her feet in excitement before holding her head in regret. The pangs of our hangover are still heavy despite the paracetamol which has been choked down before the start of the race. And still,
I can't feel the pulse in my forehead anymore - not with Charles grinning infront if my eyes.

My flight to Nice in anticipation of the Monaco Grand Prix had been booked back in January by Charles. It was supposed to be exciting, I was supposed to be there for Charles's homecoming. It didn't work out that way. He left the booking to me in the weeks after the breakup in what was a devastating barrage of emails filled with flight details.

Two weeks ago the realisation that I had forgotten to cancel the flights hit me when I was chopping veg for dinner. As I paced the kitchen with my head in my hands announcing I was cancelling the 'stupid flight' Maddie had simply yelled 'don't'. Instead, she excitedly planned a girls trip - the second post-Charles-break-up. We had already spent an expensive five days in Dubai back in April when I was wallowing in the grief of our relationship every day. Maddie had done her best to keep my moping at bay and had me giggling and drunk on sun and cocktails each day. Amber had spent the whole five days FaceTiming us between work meetings and sleeping. She sent bottles of champagne to our hotel room and even used Daniel's name to get us a restaurant reservation last minute.

Nice seemed like a great second choice to Monaco, at least at the time. That was until we realised how many people would be visiting the city also for the Grand Prix weekend. It seemed like every corner we turned down there were thirty people in Ferrari hats grinning and chattering about Charles - one even asked me for a photo because of my link to Charles, a pleasure I politely declined. It resulted in Sophia making last minute reservations at a beach club where we spent the whole afternoon and into the early hours of the morning. It meant that we got a momentary escape from the ever present Charles. Or at least my thoughts were blurred enough that I couldn't think of him. Despite my initial reservations over Sophia, it turns out she's a pretty solid friend - I should've known that since Maddie has such good taste. When shit hits the fan Sophia is the one you want by your side. She's fast to think, witty and up for anything. They're three things I've needed over the last two months.

The club reservation and subsequent bottles of tequila and champagne which were presented to our table on arrival was enough to answer why each of our heads throbbed this morning. And still, I insisted on inflicting more pain on myself by watching the race from start to finish. Because Charles was starting on pole in Monaco, his home race, and I wanted to see it.

I knew it was going to happen, I felt it the moment the notification of his position popped up on my phone as I sipped on the champagne a mere ten miles from where he was stood getting interviewed for his position. Charles has been completely focused on the championship, Amber quietly shared snippets of him on our almost daily calls. She tells me that he spends most of his 'free' time in Maranello working with the team, he doesn't come out for dinner, drinks or parties anymore. Charles is completely focused on the championship and it's taken over his life, so there was no way he was ever going to fail today. And yet, I needed to watch it for myself, see it with my own eyes. I knew I'd regret it if I didn't after he's waited so long for the moment.