And Then We Fell Apart (18+)

chapter 23

We don't talk about that day ever again.

Guilt prods at my insides for ever telling him that I hate him because it couldn't be farther from the truth. I've never hated him. I could never hate him. But I needed him to hate me, because then maybe he'd leave me alone. He'd let me heal.

But Sam shows me that I was wrong about what I said. He is the person I met when I was fifteen. He's in there, or at least his persistence is.

And I'm not allowed to heal unless he's there to guide me through it.

We are back to trying to making an effort again. It's strange how you can go from learning someone's every move and every habit so naturally— effortlessly— to having to try extremely hard to keep them in your life.

If sixteen year old Chandler and Sam knew what happened to us, I don't think they'd believe it. But still, we try. We don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to because he has to spend time with Blake every now and again, but I'll take what I can get.

In our fit of honesty, I tell him I don't want to spend time with her, and I don't want to spend my whole summer waiting around for him to call. He says that's fine, but I have to promise him to start coming to the brush again.

While it takes a little convincing, Sam is persuasive. And I give in.

We lay beneath the fireworks during the Fourth of July weekend to start off easy. While it all feels familiar, it feels entirely different. Foreign. Or like I'm just laying in some random spot we decided on that night.

The significance has gone away.

I tell Sam that.

He doesn't say anything. And he doesn't disagree.

He inches closer and takes my hand instead. He squeezes it enough to show that he hears me, and that's enough.

I sigh and allow my fingers to slowly curl around his.

I surrender again.

It's the middle of July when he finally gets me to go to the beach with him, Noah, and Bennett. They're excited when they see me come through the back kitchen door like I always used to, saying they haven't seen me since graduation.

Bennett picks me up and runs through the backyard with me, which makes me laugh. He screams about how he's going to beat me this year in our competition, and he's been practicing for the last few weeks.

I taste the salt on my tongue the second he brings me into the water as it splashes up on my face.

I feel fifteen again.

"Okay, first, we have Bennett," Noah declares when he and Sam finally make it in the water behind us.

This is all after Sam tells Bennett to put me down, and Bennett tells him he can do whatever he wants now since he's hooking up with Blake. He uses the term "free real estate" when he talks about me, but I know he's just kidding.

I don't think Sam likes it.

Bennett goes under, making it for a staggering forty-one seconds. Noah follows, as usual, placing just behind him with thirty-nine.

It's my turn next. I knew we were doing this today and I remember how much of a fail last year was because I hadn't eaten anything. So this morning, I allow myself all of my calories for the day so I don't embarrass myself again.

I end up tying with Bennett.

Sam goes next, and he gets forty.

Because Bennett and I tie, we challenge each other to a rematch tomorrow at the same time. We don't plan on it today because we agree that we need time to rest after the intensity of our game.