✮ Her head wished she had went on thinking he was an infuriating, overly-confident, horribly handsome asshole, that hated her people and always put himself first. Her heart knew he wasn't any of those things. He was a celestial; a man plucked from t...
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"'I never lie,' I said offhand. 'At least not to those I don't love.'"
—Anne Rice
All that she could think of was her sickness. She heard Dante's words, and the innocent way he had said radiorum mors as if it wasn't going to send her life into a spiral. She dwelled on how little she knew, and regretted not pressing the man further when he first told her; when would the symptoms begin, and what were they? Would her death be swift and painless, or would the sickness be drawn out and turn all her organs to mush and blood? If she had remained in the mountain—if she endured the torture and pain—would Dr. Tsing have found a cure? Would she had lived long enough to get it for herself?
The faceless girl haunted her. How much longer would Dante's granddaughter live? Was she in constant pain? Would it be mercy to end her suffering? Had Astoria sentenced her to death by escaping? It was near impossible not blame herself, because if she was fated to die anyway why hadn't she just let the Mountain Men use her last months to help others?
Bellamy proved to be a good distraction. When he, Clarke and Octavia returned to camp, Finn and Murphy followed behind. It wasn't long before the eldest man sought Astoria out, and he was hesitant to tell her what had happened. Finn massacred a group of innocent grounders—a group of her people. She had didn't want to believe it, but when Finn refused to meet her eyes she knew it was true.
She took to ignoring him as well, but it only made her feel worse. She was no better than Finn. In truth, she knew she was much worse. She had killed dozens of people in her life, and most often she didn't think twice before doing it. She could claim that she was forced to do so, that if she hadn't she'd had been killed herself, but she wasn't sure she believed that defence any more. The Mountain Men she killed didn't need to die. She did it because she wanted them dead.
Raven found her that night and asked where she had been sleeping, and was frustrated when Astoria informed her that she hadn't been. It was quickly decided (with no input from the grounder) that she would be taking the extra bed in Raven's quarters, and despite her longing to be alone in the trees Astoria agreed. That night, she slept in a bed for the first time since she was nine, and despite waking early from a horrid nightmare it was one of the best sleeps she ever had.
She spoke to Abby and got permission to leave the camp whenever she pleased, though it was difficult to get the approval after the massacre. They were all waiting for the grounder's to retaliate, and it reminded Astoria of the fight between the hundred and Anya's men on the bridge. Abby also returned her bow; the weapon was found in the dropship, and against some of the other sky people's better judgment Clarke's mother seemed to trust Astoria enough to arm her. She felt whole once more with it slung over her shoulder, and she was much more confident as she moved to the gate.
It was early enough that she had thought none of her friends would be awake before she left, but when Bellamy fell into step beside her she sighed. She was never able to get out of his sight for long before he tracked her down.
