Hate

Chapter 10

I lay on my bed crying. It is 2 in the morning and I haven't fell asleep yet. How can I?

I get up and see a book on my desk. My old diary.

I open it up to read it.

The last entry was written about a year ago.

I really hate myself today. I always do, but today I hate my self a little more than normal. I feel Ana taking over me. I'm not scared, I welcome her. But she is really making me hate myself and making me love her more. I have always known about Ana, but I never thought that I would be friends with her. As much as I hate Ana and want her to leave, I also love her, for she has saved me. She will help me on the way to perfection, a road she has taken long ago. I will not fight Ana for she is my savior. I know one day Ana will kill me, and I'm not even afraid. I welcome Ana into my life, and I will continue following her endless orders. Orders telling me not to eat for I am too fat. Sometimes she tells me to cut my skin because I deserve it. She says I deserve the pain. I tell her that starving hurts and she always replies with, "the pain of looking in the mirror hurts more than starving...."

I grab a pencil and add to the bottom of the page:

Now I see that she is right.

Looking in the mirror does hurt. Starving feels good, comforting. I only feel pretty when my stomach is empty, and even then I feel disgusting.

My mind is filled with nothing other than negative thoughts. It seems like forever since I've felt good about myself. I don't even remember what my body looks like without cuts on it.

I've changed a lot through the years. I was normal. I was happy.

I was born in a good family. I can't really say many negative things about it. My parents raised me right. I grew up being the perfect child. Then something happened. Not drastically but it happened slowly over time.

I thought I could take it. I thought I could take the bullying.

At first I could.

Then it started to get bad.

That happy girl I once was is now falling apart. That girl who always laughed, now only cries. That girl who was always hungry suddenly lost her appetite.

That girl who used to exist would have never predicted this. She never would've known that she would hate herself so much one day. She never would have even guessed what a disgusting monster she'll turn into.