Hate

Chapter 4

I wake up and it's 4:50. I usually wake up at five for school. Then I realize it's Friday. I don't exactly believe that Fridays are the best day of the week. It's just another fucking day.

I decide to get up, I'm not that tired anyway. My mom still ends up pounding on my door at five anyway, I just tell her that I'm already up. But she ends up coming in the room and I quickly pull my shorts down a bit to make sure they cover my cuts.

She walks in and says, "I just want to make sure you were up. Well anyways, it's Friday, aren't you excited?! "

"Yep," I reply with obvious sarcasm in my voice.

"You ok? You seem upset about something. "

"I'm fine, I'm just tired,"

"Ok. Well you get dressed, I'm going to do the same," she says while walking away and closing my door.

She never seems to understand, does she really think that 'fine' really means fucking fine!?

But I decide to just drop it, and just accept the fact that she won't understand. I grab some jeans and pull them up being careful with the cuts on my leg, then I realize that I didn't cut yesterday.

I didn't cut.

The boy! I remember. The Irish boy! I didn't cut because I was thinking of him. I feel very proud of myself for some reason.

I put on a nicer shirt today so hopefully I can get him to notice me and... Wait what am I thinking! He will never notice me. He will never want to be with a suicidal girl. But he doesn't have to know that. I've been keeping it a secret for about a year now, and I can continue doing it. Right?

Can I do it? Will it even be worth it? What if he hates me? Like how I hate myself...

I walk to a mirror to see what I look like. I have tired eyes, and I don't look so well. But it will have to do. It's all I got.

By the time lunch time comes, I don't see the boy. Shit. I want to see him. I want to know his name. What if I never see him again? What will happen?

I'm walk through the gym doors after I change and Mrs. Wylie says that we will run a lap and play soccer. I hate soccer, or any sport really, people always get so competitive. If you do one little thing wrong they fucking yell at you and criticize you as if you ruined the damn planet.

At the very beginning I am already tired. I have to force myself to keep going. I just think to myself that I'm burning calories and it will do me good.

I hate running. I despise it. I'm almost done but I already feel dizzy, but I ignore it. I finally finish, I'm done. I feel slightly proud of myself for running the whole lap without stoping, until I realize that I'm the last one.

"Holy crap, Clair, can you run any faster?" It's Jennifer of course.

"Everyone did well," says Mrs. Wylie to the class, partiality answering Jennifer's rude question.

We go to the soccer field and Mrs. Wylie splits us into groups.

She is in my group. Jennifer is in my group. I'm not ready for insults right now.

I just follow everyone else, only a few steps behind, so I still get participation points but not actually playing the game. I'm so glad that the ball never came to me, and Jennifer didn't say anything to me.

By the time the bell rings I literally thank god, and go to the locker room, and change as fast as I can.

I to Mr. Johnson's class, I know the day is almost over and I at least know I have a break ahead of me. Sort of.

As I leave the school I feel very hungry, when I get home I decide to eat an orange and a bottle of water for my dinner.

Freaking Jennifer... First I didn't see the boy, and Jennifer has to be rude to me. I know she has done way worse, but even something this small still effects me. She just batts her fake eyelashes at me, saying she is only joking and that she didn't really mean it. Then she just walks away with a snicker on her face.

I know if I cut myself I will feel better but I try to resist the temptation. But I still end up walking into my room. By the time I shut the door, I'm desperate for the pain. I cut my skin and watch the blood like I usually do and continue with my usual routine of cleaning the razor and putting it back in its spot.

I have a little bit of Spanish homework for Mrs. White's class. I end up getting stuck on a few problems. I would ask my father, who is fluent in speaking Spanish, but I don't even know where he is. My mom and him divorced when I was 13.

My eyes tear of the thought. I miss him so much. I want to know what happened to him. Has he changed much? Where does he live? Has he met a woman? Is he married?

I haven't heard from him since then, the day of the divorce. I just want to see him again. And I kind of want to cut again.... I actually try stop myself this time from feeling this way by listening to music and finishing my water.

I feel tired. Drained from the entire week I guess, one of the longest weeks of my life. I go to bed and fall asleep instantly.