Hate

Chapter 7

I weigh 130 lbs. (59 kg)

How come in not smaller? Most anorexics are small, and petite. I do weigh less than I used to though. I used to weigh 160.

But I want to weigh less. I won't give up until I'm happy. And I won't be happy until I reach my goal. And even then I can't eat, I'll gain weight and I can't do that.

What will happen in my future? I will never have a true love. I will never have a family. I will never make it to college. Should I just end my life already? All I have to do is swallow a bottle of pills now and end my misery right now. It's just so damn easy.

Keep fighting.

I don't know if I can.

It's possible. Don't give up. You can make it through this fight.

But it's hard.

I know, but keep trying. I ever said it was easy. I just said it's possible. There are people who love you. Don't you know that?

How can you be so sure? You don't know anything.

There are things I can see that you can't. People will miss you.

Like who?

Like your father. Do you know how hurt he would be to find out his daughter is dead? He loved you so much and he still does.

I haven't seen him in two, almost three years. He left me.

He didn't leave you. Things just didn't work between him and your mother. If he could see you again, he would. It's just your mother who's stoping him.

But he'll move on. He will have to.

Yes, maybe, but it will be a hard transition for him. And what about your mother. Imagine how shocked she will be to find her dead daughter, collapsed on her bed, with a suicide note in her hand? She has always protected you, all she ever did was give you the best.

Then why am I like this?

Because you teach yourself to. Your body doesn't naturally hate itself. Your brain teaches it to. And your brain can teach your body not to hate itself also. You can build self-confidence as easy as it is to take it away.

Don't give up on life, because there is always someone who loves you.

Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful.