metulji - jan peteh

The Camera

Once we'd finished our drinks (and a few pre-shoot shots), we realised that we had less than an hour to get to the hotel we were due at. Jan had told me practically nothing about what the photography session would actually consist of; we'd had plenty of other things to talk about. Whilst we'd been sat in the bar, I'd decided that I would drag him around a few more shops to buy a disposable camera I could use. Since he'd approved of the idea, the only thing that stood in our way was actually finding one.

It didn't take us much trial and error to walk into a value store selling an assortment of brightly-coloured, ripoff Polaroids. 'Which one?' I asked Jan, hoping he'd help me.

'I like the purple one.' he commented, pulling it off the shelf to take a closer look. It was a faded violet with a few red rose decals around the back, the lens surrounded by a deeper purple lining.

'Let's get it, then.' I gently prised it from his hands and made my way over to the self-checkout, swiping it absentmindedly, ready to pay. Jan pulled out his card.

'A present.' he smiled, swiping it so quickly that I didn't have any time to object. A wave of regret sunk into me; although it wasn't exactly my fault, I should have been more attentive and ensured that he didn't feel like he had to buy me things to keep my happy.

'You didn't have to do that, you know.' I told him as we left through the automatic doors, looking down at the camera and feeling seriously guilty for not buying it myself.

'No, I didn't, but I wanted to.' This phrase was all too familiar to me. A thousand men saying the same words echoed through my head.

'Catch?' I almost froze in place, remembering the times where I'd been coerced into doing things I didn't want to in similar situations to this one. Despite my rising anxiety levels, which caused my skull to throb violently, I continued to walk, picking up my feet slightly faster, like doing that would remove the thoughts from my head.

'Lokvanj, is everything okay?' he asked worriedly, noticing my increasing pace.

'Fine.' I answered him hurriedly, not slowing.

He came and stood in front of me, blocking my path so I couldn't walk any further. A lone tear built itself up in my left eye and rolled down my face as I covered up my expression with both of my hands and fell straight into him. I was grateful to be in such an overcrowded street at this moment - back at home, in the small town, I would've quickly been stared down and ridiculed. We shuffled over to the nearest bench, where he helped me sit down despite my shaking, and put his hand onto my lower thigh, caressing it gently as it wobbled.

'Lilia, what's up?'

'I don't know.' I cried, wishing we were somewhere else where I could open up to him about everything. Jan rooted through his pocket, searching for something in particular, which he eventually found and retrieved: a pack of tissues, which he handed to me.

'There's no catch. The only catching going on between us is when you fall down and I help you up.' He searched into my eyes for answers that he knew he wouldn't be able to find, not here. 'Even if you choose not to tell me, I won't leave you. You won't be alone again.'

Wiping at my face aggressively, wondering how my mind could be so stupid as to drag this poor man into my past, I slowly calmed myself down, Jan's gentle encouragement leading the way.

~o~

Despite the little mishap, we eventually made it to the hotel, which was grand and fancy. It stretched slightly taller than the other buildings around it, and looked, from the outside, like a fragile antique. Entering the lobby, where the band waited with their instruments in tow, Bojan ran over, sporting a wide grin, looking non-threatening and genuinely happy.