metulji - jan peteh

Carpe Diem

The supermarket close to the flat glowed lightly in the wake of the night. I headed in, despite the fact that I didn't exactly need anything; I couldn't find advice or counselling on the shelves, they didn't sell a manual on how to fix complex situations - long-lasting happiness cannot be bought.

No tablets could numb the heartache.

Traipsing down the aisle, I searched for reason in the stock. Yet not even the chocolate I usually bought for comfort looked appealing, and even just looking at it filled me to the brim with nausea. I needed something stronger.

Alcohol.

Around a corner; I stumbled upon a cabinet complete with spirits. My eyes searched rapidly for vodka - I knew that I would need to be more intoxicated than Sourz would be able to make me in order to cope. Grabbing the first bottle that I laid my eyes on, I practically ran for the tills, otherwise I would have had to open it and down half the bottle right there.

'Hello.' I greeted the cashier, who stayed silent in response. I didn't blame him - he had probably dealt with hundreds of customers today, and a fair few of them were probably irritating, English tourists like me. Despite the awkwardness, I was able to maintain some degree of sanity.

'Offer for beer, €5.' he said plainly, pushing the box towards me. Without even looking, I nodded, pulling an extra note out of my purse and handing it to him. Why not? If I was going to get drunk, it was best to do it properly - maybe I'd forget that any of this had happened. Maybe I'd be able to shake the look Jan gave me permanently.

I doubted it, but it was certainly worth a shot.

Literally.

'Cheers.' I thanked him, picking up the bag from the counter and hurrying swiftly out of the store. A slight weight had been lifted from my chest; now I had something to deal with the hurt, however unhealthy it was.

Heading back to the apartment, I decided to investigate the drinks I'd just bought, picking up the cardboard holder and holding it underneath a streetlight to view the description:

CARPE DIEM BEER COMPANY

SEIZE YOUR DAY.

Somewhere in my deranged mind, I managed to find a 'sign.'

Seize your day.

The 'day' wasn't over until 12:00AM. I checked my phone - it was currently 11:11. That had to be something; I was usually a heavy believer in coincidence, but now, out of desperation, I was pulling things out of the air to feed into my delusions.

A part of me was now being pulled back in the direction of the venue. Try as I might, I couldn't repress it for long enough to get my head straight. My legs were moving before my mind had a chance; compelling me to run back through the streets, in the opposite direction.

The chance that they were still meeting fans was very slim; I was sure that Bojan would be the only one still out that long, given his popularity. Maybe I would find Jan immediately, and suddenly gain the skills I needed to be able to convince him that he was missing out.

Probably not, but it was work a try.

The ping-pong ball of uncertainty coursed around my mind as I rushed along the roads, trying to retrace my steps and probably failing. The city wasn't exactly the easiest to navigate, and I hadn't been paying attention to my surroundings as I passed them the first time. I noticed that I hadn't actually travelled too far away; the large canopy above the stage soon came into view, and I'd barely walked ten minutes.