The Theory Of Knowledge (And How To Lose All Your Friends)

Chapter 17: Shut Up

Jayden sprawled himself out across the backseat of the truck, thinking about Life and Death again. It was like two cruel apparitions dancing on his shoulders. Why couldn't he prevent Samuel's death? He had been sitting right next to him after all. Mike clearly noticed Jayden's discomfort, saying "it wasn't your fault."

"Two people have died today while I was there." Jayden said with his hands on his temples. "One of them I-"

He did not finish the sentence, but decided to open up another rabbit hole of venomous memories. "Do you hate me?"

"Why would I hate you?" Mike's reply was considerate and chill at face value, but judging by the way his knuckles whitened on the steering wheel, Jayden had just ripped off a trauma Band-Aid. Mike seemed to remember the two were alone in the vehicle and sighed, before asking, "Is this about that whole thing?"

"I guess..." Jayden slumped over in his seat. Mike was driving noticeably slower now, indicating that the usual 5 minute drive from campus to Jayden's apartment was going to be both figuratively and literally longer.

"I told you to forget about it - I don't have anything against you, but like... I just don't get why you keeping bringing this up when you said you moved on. For God's sake, it's not my fault that she-"

"Yeah I know," Jayden said. "But there's things that I... I have other things that I want to say, but I don't want to... dig a deeper hole."

"Just say it then, bro. What's stopping you? I've always been here for you, even if you for some reason think I betrayed you."

"I don't. It's just..." Jayden paused. "I still love you as much as I did before... and I can't change that."

Mike exhaled. "Have you even been trying? God, you always say this stuff and it doesn't sound like you're trying to change. If you cared so much, then why did you keep ignoring my calls? I asked you if you wanted to go to the ball with me, and you said no."

"I- I didn't exactly know how to-"

"Oh, please."

"Look, our whole... thing... that was supposed to be a secret. My parents wouldn't have-"

"Yeah, well that doesn't matter now bceause it's over."

The last two words of reaffirmation made Jayden's throat feel constricted. "I guess it is."

"Is this how it's gonna be? Stop fixating on things you can't control."

Jayden knew Mike was right. He couldn't control the way he looked or felt, nor could he change how other people saw him. His class clown stigma had buried him in a pit of isolation. "You always say the same things to me," Jayden remarked, but retrospectively felt that he had sounded too hostile.

"You do as well! Why can't you just leave this in the past and let me be happy?"

Jayden knew the truth. He knew Mike was happy without him and there was nothing he could do about it. But why did he still feel so miserable? "Is this about that thing that happened at Westfield-"

Mike appeared to tense his shoulders. "Bro this has nothing to do with that!" he said defensively. But Jayden knew that it did, and he still felt bad about it to this day.

"I'm sorry about... that, and the whole thing with the ball," Jayden said with a shaky voice. " I know I'm obsessive and I overthink everything." Jayden wondered if he should just shut up. He was told those two words every single day, and he knew the reason why. He kept leading normal conversations down extreme, dangerous highways. "It's just... I can't let go of you."

"Shut up."

Aaaaand there it was.

Jayden had nothing left to say, so he just settled for, "I'm sorry."

Mike did not react, so Jayden bowed his head in acceptance... or at least for the time being before he decided to dig up the whole damn graveyard of the IB relationship web again and keep running away from his problems on the same hamster wheel he'd started on.

⁂

Jayden was still thinking about hamsters when he felt a vibrating sensation inside his pants. He pulled out his phone, praying for a reply from y/n, but it was something else.

➞ Tiny added Sir JayJayy to the group. Today at 3:59 PM

➞ Tiny added Dylu5 to the group. Today at 3:59 PM

Sir JayJayy Today at 4:00 PM
What is this

Zenfi Today at 4:00 PM
A gc
Or did you forget about our alliance?

┍@Zenfi Or did you forget about our alliance?
PP Today at 4:01 PM
Bro you sound like a disney villain

Tiny Today at 4:01 PM
Cut it out
@Sir JayJayy How's yn

SirJayJayy Today at 4:01 PM
No idea
We're almost at my place
Hows everything goin at the jpc

Editingboi998 Today at 4:02 PM
Better than you in your porta potty truck

┍@Sir JayJayy Hows everything goin at the jpc
PP Today at 4:02 PM
Jax is kinda breakin down rn
No idea why

┍@PP Jax is kinda breakin down rn
Jono Today at 4:03 PM
Bro he's in this gc

PP Today at 4:03 PM
Oh crap

Jayden was still waiting for some actual news from the group, but he did feel bad for Jax. He knew how much Samuel meant to him, even if he never talked about it.

┍@PP Original message was deleted
Jono Today at 4:03 PM
Bro he's in this gc

PP Today at 4:03 PM
Oh crap

Tiny Today at 4:04 PM
@Sir JayJayy Its fine
Everythings been dealt with
We're ok rn
We got like
3 of us
At the doors

Jono Today at 4:04 PM
@Tiny Bro why do you send like a million lines per message
@Sir JayJayy Me charles and jason at the entrance rn
Dw we got this

┍@Jono @Tiny Bro why do you send like a million lines per message
PP Today at 4:05 PM
💀

⁂

Jayden put down his phone when he realized that they had reached his apartment. Mike gestured him to exit the truck, and opened the driver's seat door. Jayden did the same and hopped onto the sidewalk. The reaction force shooting through his leg reminded him of his sprained ankle, but he attempted to walk it off as Mike opened the ground floor doors.

The foyer was low-roofed, and there was an elevator at the end of the room. The grimy marble floors cast shattered light across the room like the scattering of dice. Jayden stepped forward and pressed the up button, which had paint peeling off from years of use.

"You really care about them, huh?" Mike said as the doors shut.

"Gotta be there for my BBI kids," Jayden responded nonchalantly, brushing off the question with a basic answer.

"Okay bro."

The elevator doors parted on the 6th floor, and the two stepped out onto the carpeted floor. The door directly in front was the one to Jayden's apartment, with the hallway running across like a bullet train tunnel. Even though he was standing still in front of the door, it felt as if his body was in motion; speeding across the space of his mind. The apprehension of his hand on the door handle was dizzying.

Then he felt a wave of nervousness. After all, he hadn't locked the door when he left. But he knew he was overthinking again, and with closed eyes, pushed the door open, the air-conditioned environment flowing out across his body like he had just stepped into another dimension.