Psychology Facts

▼ Emotional Incest ▼

》Emotional incest, also called covert incest, describes an unhealthy family dynamic where a parent relies on their child for emotional and practical advice and support.

》Despite the name, it doesn't involve physical sexual abuse: "Incest" refers to inappropriate emotional closeness. Emotional incest can also happen unconsciously, unlike physical incest.

》Emotional incest is also called covert incest. It's closely related to the concepts of:

Enmeshment. Enmeshment involves relationships, often in a family, with blurry or nonexistent boundaries.

Parentification. Emotional incest is closest to the type of parentification known as emotional parentification, in which a child is forced to take on the emotional burden that a parent or caregiver would usually shoulder.

》In a dynamic of emotional incest, your parent treats you not as their child, but more like a romantic partner. Instead of providing appropriate parental guidance and helping you get your emotional needs met, they might rely on you for:

comfort and company when they feel lonely or sad

help navigating financial concerns

advice on navigating conflict at work or in their personal relationships

loyalty to them, rather than the other parent

》But by taking on the role of "partner," where you support (or even parent) your parent, you effectively lose the role of "child." As a result, your essential social and emotional needs may go unmet — something that can have major consequences for lifelong mental and emotional well-being.

》Currently, there's no accepted set of criteria used to identify emotional incest.

Acknowledging this lack of research, Turkish researchers created the Childhood Emotional Incest Scale (CEIS) to help assess childhood experiences of emotional incest in adults.

》The first section, Surrogate Spouse, includes 6 statements along these lines:

When problems or challenges came up, you had to act with more maturity than your parent(s).

You found yourself giving advice to your parent(s) when they had romantic difficulties.
When your parents argued, you found yourself taking sides (or expected to take sides) and defending one of them.

When your parents argued, you had to step in and help them resolve things.

Your parent(s) turned to you, instead of their partner or another adult, to unburden any feelings of emotional distress they experienced.

After an argument or conflict with the other parent, your parent(s) turned to you for comfort and support.

》The second section, Unsatisfactory Childhood, includes 6 statements along these lines:

To help maintain family harmony, you took on responsibilities in childhood that weren't age-appropriate.

You recognize that you couldn't fully enjoy your childhood.

The needs of your parent(s) took priority over your needs.

You envied the relationships your friends had with their parents.

You realize you had to mature, or "grow up," sooner than your peers to better support your parent(s).

You had to consider, or even manage, household responsibilities for your parent(s).

To complete this self-report, you'd respond to each item on the scale with a number between 1 (never) and 5 (always).

While it doesn't involve explicit sex, emotional incest sometimes enters sexual territory. Parents might:

talk about their own sexual encounters

spend time with their child while nude

invade their child's privacy

comment on their child's body in sexual ways

take their child out on dates

》Researchers/Trusted Sources have noted a number of possible outcomes of childhood emotional incest, including:

difficulty individuating, or establishing a sense of self and personal identity

trouble establishing friendships with peers

difficulty forming lasting, healthy attachments in adult romantic relationships

difficulty setting or enforcing boundaries with others

perfectionistic tendencies

a sense of superiority

loneliness and isolation

feelings of guilt and shame

low self-esteem or a sense of personal inadequacy
mental health concerns, including depression, anxiety, and personality disorders

》For instance, emotional incest may be more common in cases of:

separation or divorce

grief and loss

infidelity

lack of intimacy or emotional unavailability between parents

domestic violence

attachment trauma or fear of abandonment

specific mental health conditions such as personality disorders

》If you're concerned that another child or teen is experiencing emotional incest, you may consider talking to the parent first. Depending on your relationship with the parent, you can try to express your concerns and encourage the family to seek help. The parent may become defensive, so it is important to express your concerns in a manner that is gentle and non-judgmental.

》You can acknowledge that you believe the parent is trying to do their best and has good intentions, but you think they may benefit from some additional guidance. If you feel that a child is being harmed, you should contact your state's child welfare agency

》If you recognize some of these behaviors from your own approach to parenting, you might feel stunned, perhaps even ashamed or afraid. You had no idea your actions and shared confidences could harm your child — much less count as abuse. A therapist can help you:

acknowledge the dynamic and its potential effects

identify underlying contributing factors, like experiences from your own childhood or unmet needs in your adult relationships

practice establishing (and respecting) healthy boundaries in your relationship with your child
explore ways to create a support system of adult friends or romantic partners

take steps toward healing any harm you experienced in childhood

》If you are dealing with issues stemming from emotional incest, speaking with a therapist can help you recover and move forward from the pain you experienced during childhood. You can learn how to develop new behaviors so that your relationships, self-esteem, and emotional state can improve.