Dawn of the Swamp: A Tale of Terror, Turmoil, and Memes

Chapter I: Girl Dinner

Ever since his son left for college, Shrek's life was wacky goofy crazy. Sometimes, ninety million orgies are not enough to fill the ogre size hole in someone's heart. Now that his journey to parenthood was completed, what was left for Shrek? Depression? Sure. That sounded likely. Wait. That's sad. Oh no. Anyway, none of his friends were around. Not Sharkboy, and definitely not Lavagirl. Gingy and Donkey and the gang were off on a road trip to every Rainforest Cafe and Margaritaville in the United States and Canada. And Shrek's husband Barry Bee? Well, they had been having some issues lately in the marital bed. Shrek wanted so badly to be pegged by Barry's stinger, but Barry only had one life to live. The pressure was real.

As Shrek sat alone in his swamp, he pondered the nature of life, love, and laughter. Live, laugh, love? More like die, cry, hate. But now wasn't the time to think about all that. Shrek was hungry. What he needed was a good ol' fashioned Girl Dinner™. And a Girl Dinner™ he would have. He sat in his swamp chair, and lit a single Marbalo. Delicious. It fell right off the bone. He breathed in the scent of lung decay and smiled. This was life. Who needed a family or loved ones? Shrek had nicotine. Nothing could ever go wrong. Until it did.

A loud bang sounded by the door. "Say my name," whispered a voice amongst the wind. Shrek screamed, terrified. He demanded to know who dared knock on his door during his precious Girl Dinner™ time. Shrek stood up and prepared himself to face whatever was terrorizing him. He used his big ogre hands to clutch the knob. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door, to find no one there! Le gasp! Was he hearing things? Shrek closed the door and made his way back to his chair. He had a pack of Camels waiting for him. Yummy dessert!

Then, a second loud bang was heard! "Jesse," whispered the same sinister voice. That tone...was oddly familiar to Shrek. He began to feel very nervous, like thousand eyes were watching him. His shoulders were tense as fuck. Then, he heard the glass window shatter! SHITBALLS! A hand reached through, grabbing Shrek by the wrist! "JESSE WE HAVE TO COOK," said the now recognizable voice. Oh no...ohnonononononononono. Could it be? Shrek's worst fear come to life? It...it was...

"I am the danger," said Walter White, a wicked smile plastered on his face. Oh nooooo!! Shrek had always been deeply afraid of that man (and yet somehow aroused but Shrek was strictly into bees so it was weird). But he always thought Walter White was a myth. A story made up to scare little orge babies. But here he was, the real deal.

"It's time for you to break bad," Mista White said, licking his own luscious, toxic lips. "It's Heisenburgen time." The temptation was too real. Shrek almost gave into his sinful desires. But Shrek was a devoted husband and father. He would not be tempted. So...he did the only thing he knew how to do...he ran.