Dawn of the Swamp: A Tale of Terror, Turmoil, and Memes

Chapter III: Shrek Goes to Hell

While his trip down to hell was an intimidating prospect, it wasn't his first encounter with forces bigger than he could reckon with. He and Jesus were pretty close friends. They had first met on the field of battle when Shrek was fighting against an army of Trump supporters (for the second time). The Son of God's dance moves were killer, literally. Shrek would never forget the majesty of the Macarena Massacre. He was a pretty chill dude, honestly. But Jareth had sent Shrek on a journey to speak with the devil. Not much was known about him, there were only a few rumors that floated to the surface of the world. However, residents of Gayland traveled to Hell for their yearly retreat, and luckily, Shrek made it just in time. All he had to do was call up an old friend.

A horn honked. Shrek turned around to see a rainbow sparkly mega truck rolling in at max speed. The trunk was filled with copious amounts of Pride merch, but it wasn't hard to see who was at the wheel. "Get in bitch, we're going down under!" yelled John Barrowman, governor of Gayland. Barrowman was dressed in an extravagant, Elton John-esque get-up: a fluffy pink skirt, rainbow fedora, and custom sequin bra. You couldn't have missed him if you tried. Since Barrowman was heading a little earlier down into hell to set up the disco welcome party, he offered Shrek a lift, which Shrek would be eternally grateful for. Gay people are cool!

Shrek jumped in, and Barrowman floored it. "We have to get to up to eighty miles per hour in order to make it through the gates of hell! The devil likes a dramatic entrance." No shit Sherlock thought Shrek. He saw a cliff far up ahead. Shrek supposed hell was at the bottom of the canyon beyond it. He asked Barrowman what the devil looked like. "Hot," said Barrowman. Well, that was one thing to look forward to at least. "Get ready, babes. Fasten your seatbelt!"

Shrek held on for dear life as the gay truck picked up speed. He was unsure what awaited him down in the depths of hell. Would he be able to handle the pressure? Probably not, but YOLO, he thought. If this was what it took to defeat Walter White, Shrek was ready for everything. The truck sped up towards the edge of the cliff, and before Shrek knew it, they plunged off the edge, and into the chasm below! But oh no! The tragedy was afoot because Shrek forgot his seatbelt! So, instead of safely careening to his death, Shrek flew out of the truck and somersaulted away. He was falling so fast that he barely heard the sounds of Barrowman's screams. Then, everything went dark. Sometime later, Shrek opened his eyes to extreme darkness. He had fallen into hell, with not a guide in the site. What terrors awaited?

A single flame lit up in the distance, bringing color back into the world. Despite Shrek's initial hopes for rescue, he soon realized that this was no angel. No, here was his first encounter with a demon. A tall, green-stripped creature approaching. A guitar was strapped to its back. The being's sinister smile was a haunting sight, one that Shrek will never forget, along with its first words: "How ba-a-bad can I be?"