𝘾𝙍𝘼𝙎𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙊 𝙔𝙊𝙐 ↣ 𝙊𝙉𝙀 𝘿𝙄𝙍𝙀𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

eight - what a feeling

[how can emptiness be so heavy?]

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I felt distant. Far out, away from where I was supposed to be. I don't know why. I didn't have anything better to get back to.

Except now I did.

Living how I lived was better, in a way, because I had Lizzie there with me. I had the last three days to learn that.

Niall, Louis, Liam, Harry and Zayn had all been kind to me. I can't begin to imagine what they think. Me? I was the skinny foster kid with one leg. I was the girl from the accident where they saw a dead body. I'm the body that wasn't dead.

They don't know, but it should have been me.

There was always the possibility of Lizzie having to live without me. I wasn't safe. But her? Elizabeth Lancaster? She should have been safe.

Lizzie Lancaster. Her favorite color was yellow because it was happy. She only wore gold jewelry because she said silver washed her out. She drank too much coffee for a sixteen year old, because she needed it. She was always so stressed, juggling student council, work, babysitting, and her commitments to the church we both used to play soccer for.

Lizzie Lancaster. I sat with her on the roof of the truck we rolled a few months before and smoked a blunt. We got arrested together twice and both times were my fault. She bought me Neosporin once a week and never questioned it. She held my hand when I was scared.

I was the reason she was dead.

And I had to live with that.

So, to cope, I was distant.

"Mickey?" A hand on my forearm snapped me out of my thoughts. I blinked and looked at Niall, who was trying to get my attention. "Did you hear any of that?"

"No," I said after a moment. "Sorry, I-" I cut myself, not even knowing what to say. I was lost. My eyes flickered to Liam, behind him.

"You're okay. Liam?"

"I talked to the coordinator. He said it starts at 10:00 and it's in Sterling, which is only a few kilometers away. Or miles, anyway. We've got enough time to get breakfast somewhere if you want."

"I'm good, thanks though," I said quietly. My stomach growled loudly, arguing. I looked down at my lap and closed my eyes.

"You sure?" Niall asked.

"Yeah, um. I don't really have an appetite. Sorry."

"You're alright," Niall promised. I nodded my head and fell back into silence.

Niall and Liam left me alone to stare at the counter.

Where is she?

How can she be gone?

Lizzie?

"Hi, love." I looked up. Louis was sat across from me at the booth. He had a black button down open over a white shirt. "Want this?" he held up his mug to me. I furrowed my eyebrows. "Hot chocolate." I wrinkled my nose.

Louis slid the mug to me. There were marshmallows floating on top. I blinked at him.

"You haven't even drank out of this," I said.

"I didn't make it for me," he said.

"You didn't have to."

"I know. I wanted to. We're gonna leave in a few minutes."

"I know." It wasn't like I hadn't been watching the clock.

Waiting to put my person into the ground.

"You want to talk?" he offered, quietly.