PALE BLUE EYES. kurt cobain

011

My whole world was crumbling. It was pouring outside and pitch black. I tried to keep my hands on the wheel, eyes on the road, but I just couldn't stop shaking and rubbing the tears away. I easily could get pulled over right now, but I didn't care. God, I wished I would get pulled over. I wish someone would drive me home. I couldn't take this right now.

"Fuck." I muttered as my tires slid on the wet roads. I was acting so crazy I might've gotten myself into a wreck. Before I knew it, I stopped myself and pulled over to the side of the road before I got myself in major trouble. I hit the dashboard trying to get my anger out somehow, but it didn't work. I sobbed to myself with no one to call or talk to. I was alone. I glanced to the passenger seat and saw my little, old, mobile phone that barely worked anymore sitting there. Like it was begging me to attempt and call someone.

"... you've reached Mary Cline, you know what to do." God fucking damn it Mary!

"Mary, please pick up. I'm on the side of the road. Things went really bad today, I can't drive myself home. Please fucking—" I was cut off when Mary picked the phone up finally.

"Oh my God, Lorelai! I'm coming to get you right now... where are you?" I looked around with tears in my eyes and to be honest, I didn't know anymore. I could've easily taken a wrong turn in the midst of my breakdown. I was such a dumbass. Things looked a little familiar, but not enough to pinpoint.

"Rory!" I heard from outside my car. There was no way.

"Rory, are you ok?" Mary asked over the phone, I continued to stay silent as I rolled my window down. It was Kurt, he had gotten Frances all buckled in and tracked me down. For some reason, even though I was mad at him, the fact he did that made me feel warm. I felt so very warm. So safe.

"Mary, I'm okay. I'm safe now." I said into the phone trying my best not to start crying again. Just seeing Kurt made me emotional.

"Kurt?" Mary asked. I could just tell she was smiling from her apartment. God, she knew me so well.

"Yep." With that, she hung up and I threw my phone into the passenger seat. I now made eye contact with Kurt. He sighed when he saw the ruins of me. He pulled his car over behind mine and walked over to my window in the pouring rain. I couldn't help it. I started sobbing.

"You came looking for me?" I questioned.

"Rory, you scared me half to death!" I'd never heard him raise his voice before. It just made me want to sob harder, which I did. I felt so stupid and vulnerable.

"I'm sorry, Kurt." I mumbled.

"Sorry? Rory... I don't want an apology. I want you to get in my car and come home." Home. He called his house my home. Was I happy about that? I don't know. This was all so crazy.

"I can't." I said.

"Why? Please? I need to know you're safe." Kurt was dripping from the rain and didn't seem to care. He wouldn't break eye contact with me and he looked so shaken up. I felt horrible for making him this way. It was all my fault.

"You don't love me." I sobbed into my hands.

"Rory... I never said that." Kurt softly said pushing his wet hair back. I didn't even think to invite him into  my car to talk. I selfishly let him stand in the rain.

"You don't have to," I whined, "I obviously got the wrong impression. I'm so stupid." I hated myself. All I could think about was the Earth swallowing me up right now. It sounded so fucking nice.

"You're not stupid," Kurt assured me, "Rory, I'm so fucking sorry. I told you that. I'm scared... I'm terrified. I just want to protect you. And not letting you get involved with me is the best way I can do that." What he said made perfect sense. But I didn't want it to, in fact I denied the fact that it did. I just shook my head and denied, denied, denied.

"Please, don't do this to me," I said with a cracked voice, "I- I need you, Kurt."

"Rory, you don't know how hard this is for me. Do you think I don't know that I want you? That I don't know you're better for me than Court? That you're not a better mother figure for Frances than her? There, I said it." Kurt calmed himself before getting to upset. I admired his ability to do that. I sure couldn't, obviously.

"Why don't you leave her?" I asked plain and simple.

"I'm scared. And Courtney, she's like me. She's..." he stopped talking, "there's things you don't know, things I can't explain. That's why I'm scared. I'm scared you'll leave me, Ror. If you knew." I didn't understand. Why couldn't he just fucking say it? It was driving me crazy.

"You should get Frannie home." I said.

"God," Kurt mumbled, "please come with us. You can't drive home like this." He was right. But I didn't want him to be.

"I'll be fine." I said catching a bit of an attitude.

"No," Kurt said, "get in my car." I hadn't ever heard him be this stern... it was scary. He was dead fucking serious about this. I couldn't look into his blue eyes and say no, I couldn't. I sighed, putting my overthinking aside, and stepped out of the car. I saw his muscles relax, as he softly helped me into his car.

"I'll call tomorrow to get you your car back." He said before pulling back onto the road and in the direction of his house. Home. It was home to me. I didn't say a word, I just sat in silence and sniffled from the coldness.